Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 14. Postscript.

 The bard board me to tears this evening which was unfortunate because my mind wandered around the Hall dwelling on all manner of nonsense which largely, does not even make sense. 

By the time he had delivered three stanzas of his epic poem "An ode to the Lady of the House of Silent Thunder" (yes, really.), I had come to some extremely ludicrous conclusions and had even convinced myself that the chef was out to poison me. I have since discovered that everyone's rice tasted strange because the kitchen boy had accidentally dropped a jar of cloves in it and rather than start again, the chef had thought he could get away with simply straining it and serving it as it was.

How he thought no one would notice, I cannot say. Kaede was singularly unimpressed and got rather cross indeed. I have not seen her become even a little bit annoyed over anything trivial since I arrived here so seeing her in a snit about the rice was at once amusing and concerning. She stopped short of demanding that the kitchen send up fresh rice for the entire Hall but I really did think she was about to have a tantrum to rival one of Yuika's. I do not think it was the rice that was really bothering her.

As I looked around the Hall, I noticed a few of the women look away when my eyes met theirs which I found surprising and a little hurtful. I thought I had made some friends here but they could not even bring themselves to return my smile. Now I know I am missing something. I must focus on what is important. In two days, I will be leaving them all to their own devices and I am fine with never knowing what is going on. But I am not fine. It will pain me deeply not to know everything. It is all so annoying.

News reached us today of some sort of contagion at White Lake. Apparently several members of the White Lake inner circle have succumbed. Not that I am fond of anyone at that House but if it spreads, we shall all be in trouble. I wonder if that has anyone to do with why Kaede is quite so rattled. Perhaps she thinks it will come to Silent Thunder...

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 14.

 This morning was colder than it has been for the past few days and I did not enjoy dragging myself out of bed at all. I was concentrating so hard on the form we were practising that I almost did not notice that someone was observing from a window on the second floor of the House. Almost... A slight movement in my peripheral vision made me glance about and just as he moved out of view, I saw Sasanuma. I had decided not to dwell on him and his antics but now of course, I cannot help but wonder if I was right to be suspicious.

If he had been observing out of mere curiosity or perhaps wanting to check on what his man was up to, why hide? No, not hide, skulk. Yes, that is the only word for it. Skulk. Deliberately lurking in the shadows to avoid being seen. Except I did see. I did see and I can be fairly certain that he knows I saw. Kaede is his lover and Suzuki works for him so why the secrecy? He could simply stride out onto the training ground and openly observe if he so wished. But instead, he chose to watch us from somewhere he thought he would not be seen ... why?

I wonder if he was up there at Kaede's behest but if that were the case, again, why? Why would she ask him to spy on a group of women learning how to use a sword when she is down there with us? Unless she has seen something which concerns her but what could that possibly be? Surely I would have noticed if there were something amiss? Perhaps I am not nearly as observant as I like to believe ... another thought occurs to me which is that I do not know how many days Sasanuma has been up there watching... Today may have been the first or he may have been up there since we began but surely I would have seen him before now, surely?

I must stop this. It is not helpful. I am starting to sound as paranoid as Yuika... but what if Kaede is in danger from him after all? What if, there is something huge I just cannot see and he is as bad as Shigeru or worse, even? No. I must stop. I must stop interfering. I did not help Yuika and I cannot help Kaede. I must focus on my goal and get ready to travel to Purple Lightning. I feel excited that within but a few sevendays I might finally have an answer to my questions. 

There will be a bard in the Hall this evening and tomorrow the acrobats will be back. On my final evening here by a divine coincidence, a troupe of fire breathers will perform in the courtyard; I imagine I will enjoy that a great deal. I used to love watching such shows when I was younger. Of course then, I genuinely believed that they were eating the fire and actually breathing it out as if they were dragons. It was such a treat to see them. We would be given little paper pouches of candied fruit pieces and nuts to eat while they danced around all but naked and performed tricks with fire. What a wonderful way to end my stay here that will be.

It is a few sticks before the evening meal so I think I will take a walk around the House and see Hikari and Kiku for a while and then I will see if someone will trim my hair; it is getting to my shoulders now and I do not like it.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 13.

 The walk in the garden yesterday afternoon was exactly what I needed to clear my mind and I believe I have conceived a plan of action. The first thing to do when I arrive at the House will be to find anyone who knows Father or Mother. I will discern whether they are friend or foe and then I will try to gain as much information in the form of gossip as I can about Mother's youth and about their marriage in the early days. That should give me some sort of insight and tell me whether my instinct about Mother's change of personality is correct or not. If it is, I may find more information on the subject simply by asking. If my instinct is wrong, I shall have to think of some other tack. 

I feel less anxious now that I have decided upon at least the start of a plan and so I shall  simply focus on enjoying my final few days at Silent Thunder and spend as much time with Kaede as she has time for before I leave. It may be a long while before I see her again and I do so want her to think of me as a friend... 

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 12.

This morning I managed to complete the form while wielding the sword. I cannot lie; I impressed myself. It still felt uncommonly heavy and I was slow but I did it. Even Suzuki grudgingly gave me the slightest of smiles. I still cannot abide the sprinting exercises he has been making us do but perhaps they have actually worked their magic and I am fitter than I ever have been. Not that it matters of course because in a matter of days, I will be on my way.

I spoke to Haru about her attitude this morning and my suspicions were correct; she is concerned about her activities on my behalf being discovered. I am somewhat baffled by this as she has been assigned to me since I arrived at Silent Thunder. It seems to me that she would be a natural choice on Kaede's behalf and that choosing someone else would look far more suspicious... I told her that there was no cause for concern, that she would be free to return to Silent Thunder as soon as she liked after we had arrived at Purple Lightning. 

The only ones who know about my network are we two, and it is certainly not in my interests to tell anyone about her involvement. Besides, since she is no longer a part of my network, if anyone ever did find out, she could always say that I had pressured her into it for a short while before she had stood up to me and refused to continue. That is not far short of the truth, anyway.

Haru seemed vaguely soothed by that but I cannot help but think that something else is bothering her. Something which will cause me problems at some point in the future. I have decided, though, that the future is exactly when I will concern myself with whatever it is. I do not have time to worry about it now. I must focus my efforts on gathering those things I cannot do without and ensuring that I do not leave anything incriminating behind. 

I was thinking about Purple Lightning earlier this morning and it has been such a long time since I was there, I can only vaguely remember what it was like. I do not know Tsuyoshi and Ichiko very well at all; I really shall have to remember my manners while I am there. It will not be like spending time with friends and I shall have to be much more formal than I have been around Kaede or Yuika. Perhaps I should ask Kaede for some advice; I should certainly ask her to teach me how to offer due deference properly, especially given the mess I made of offering it to her. 

Kaede has said that she will give me a letter for them in which she will explain the situation so that I do not have to. That is kind. I must admit that the thought of having to explain all of this to people I do not even really know, has made me just a little bit anxious. At least now, they can just read the letter and then they may choose to help me or ask me to leave. It had not really occurred to me until the other day that they might have their own reasons to keep secrets and that me turning up might not be desirable for them but I have come too far. I will not give up now. Even if they throw me out, at least I will  be on their Lands and I will find a way to get into that library somehow. 

I cannot let this opportunity go. I still have not managed to formulate a plan for finding what I seek. How can one find something when one does not even know what it is? I must try and think of some way to narrow down my field of interest, to think about where to start. I asked Kaede what she knew about Purple Lightning but although they are not enemies, she does not view them as close allies, either. She told me that her parents were on their way home from Talks at Purple Lightning when their convoy was attacked. I did not know that. I mean I knew they had died in an attack by bandits on their convoy but I did not know where they were. 

I feel terrible now, that I have spent most of my time at Silent Thunder babbling on about Purple Lightning when to Kaede, it is the place her parents died. Small wonder she does not want to maintain relations; it must bring back horrid memories. 

Regardless of that, I must try and think sensibly about how to approach this task. I do not have any idea how long Tsuyoshi and Ichiko will let me stay, if they agree to it at all, so time is of the essence. At this moment, I have no ideas at all and that frustrates me. Perhaps a walk in the gardens will bring some sort of inspiration.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 11.

 Haru smacked me "accidentally" with the flat side of her sword when we were training this morning. I gather that Kaede has told her about my plan to go to Purple Lightning and suggested that Haru accompany me. Haru is not at all happy about it. 

She would never say that to Kaede, of course but I can tell she is seething. I have told Haru that she needn't come with me but she says that when The Lady Silent Thunder makes a suggestion, it is not a suggestion. Oh dear. I have apologised until I am blue in the face and told her that it will not be like the last time we were on the road together but Haru will not be mollified. Does she think Kaede has given her to me forever, I wonder? That is not my understanding of the situation; I have assumed that as soon as we reach Purple Lightning, the soldiers and Haru will return to Silent Thunder. Once they are rested, of course. 

I can understand Haru's reluctance to travel again and I have tried to reassure her that even were we to meet another wolf, we will have soldiers to take care of it. We will stay at every inn on the route to Purple Lightning and the only possible danger would be bandits who have strayed far too south for their own good. At least that is what I am telling Haru. The reality of course, is that even with a few soldiers, there are no guarantees about what happens on the open road so to speak... 

I wonder if Haru's reluctance has more to do with fear of her involvement in my network being discovered. Perhaps I will speak to Kaede and see if she will send someone else. It is not as if I need a maid anyway; unless I have to wear court silks, I can dress myself perfectly well and I hardly need someone to dress my hair.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 10. Postscript.

 The walk outside was quite delightful. The first snowflowers of the year have already bloomed, which Kaede tells me, is a sign of a mild winter. It did not feel mild to me, that much, I can record! There was a definite bite to the air even though the sky was blue and the sun pale but bright. Several other wintry flowers have bloomed and the gardens look fresh and enticing despite the cold. A few red-breasted birds flitted from branch to branch and one or two of them stopped to feed at the little stations the gardening staff set out for them. 

We took tea in Kaede's private tea-house before we returned to the House and there, with my hands wrapped around an exquisite glazed mug, I told Kaede what was on my mind. She did not seem overly surprised; I suppose she has known since I arrived that my plan was to leave. She said she understood although she has enjoyed my company and would like me to stay. She suggested I give it another sevenday so that the weather has a chance to improve. 

I am not certain a sevenday will really make that much difference and it is not as if I will be on the road at night, alone and sleeping under bushes again. I agreed though; it did not seem reasonable to insist on leaving straight away and at least now, I have a firm date on which I know I will be setting out. As I knew she would, Kaede mentioned taking a palanquin. I said I thought that was quite ridiculous when I am perfectly capable of riding a horse. She completely disapproved of that notion, of course but has generously compromised and agreed that I can take a horse so long as I also take a contingent of four soldiers and a maid. 

I tried to demur but was not having any of it. I was struck again, by her great generosity and grace. She owes me nothing but she gives me everything even knowing that I may never be in a position to repay her. Perhaps when I have found what I seek, I will return to Silent Thunder and settle here. Not in the House, but in a small holding; having something to do would suit me and I know I would not be exploited under Silent Thunder's Rule...

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 10.

 What a pleasant time we had last evening! The fool was indeed hilarious although I am not sure that I should record any of his jokes as they were simply far too bawdy. The Hall was warm with the glow of sake and laughter and I certainly had a wonderful time but I felt a certain degree of sadness as I looked around and watched everyone enjoying themselves. The air was thick with unrestrained joy; I could see families laughing together, taking pleasure in each other's company and I suddenly felt ... bereft... 

Even before Father started giving in to everything Mother desired, I cannot remember us all laughing like that as a family. I cannot remember a time when we all spent time together and revelled in it. I remember having to kneel on ceremony, The three of us lined up like little dolls; Taiji and I on either side of Aki, all of us dressed in our finery. Aki and I would have our hair scraped up into the tightest buns poked through with flowered pins and Taiji would have a top knot thick with lacquer because his hair was not long enough to cooperate. As soon as Mother considered me old enough, one of her cosmeticians would plaster my face with white paste and powder it so it stayed on my skin and she would paint my teeth black and my lips a scarlet - a perfect replica of Mother.  And there we would kneel with smiles so strained, I am surprised none of our faces broke. Gods forbid that we actually laughed out loud.

Still, that is behind me now and I am free to laugh as much as I wish. And laugh, I did! Hikari actually cried laughing and I am certain she was not the only one in the Hall in such a state. It must be wonderful to have such a talent for making people laugh. If I Ruled a House, I would have a fool perform as often as I could. Even though I always appreciate decent music, I would far rather have a good laugh.

When I experience evenings like that, it is hard to think about moving on. I know I must, but belonging, even for a little while, felt so nice. Kaede has suggested a walk later so I may mention it then. It would certainly be easier to broach the subject when we are outside without a thousand other ears listening in. 

There is no other news of note. I have not received any further correspondence from Aoki but I did not really expect to hear from him again so soon, especially now we must resort to human messengers again. My curiosity regarding other matters is not really sated but I have accepted that I may never find the answers to those questions and that moving on to Purple Lightning is where I must focus my efforts now without distractions.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 9.

 I really have to ask myself at this point, why I am still pretending that I want to learn swordplay. I said in my previous note that the sword weighed half as much as I do. I believe I was factually incorrect; it is in fact, at least as heavy as I am. Perhaps the fact that I am tired is not helping. This morning, I really struggled to lift it let alone move through the form with it. Suzuki merely grunted and told me to keep pushing. 

I do wonder whether he keeps this up merely because he is under orders or because he genuinely thinks that with enough practice, we can become competent. I have decided that I will certainly have a weapon made for me when I am settled. I should be able to defend myself. If weeks on the road have taught me anything, it is that I would have been a lot less scared at times if I had been armed effectively. The small knives I keep are wonderful at close quarters but one lesson I have from Suzuki is that they are only useful if one can get close enough to an enemy in order to use them. Ideally, one would not actually wish said attacker to be that close in the first place as I know from bitter experience.

Still, none of that changes the fact that for some reason, I cannot bring myself to tell Kaede that I do not want to get up at dawn and train with a sword any more. 

I have given more thought to what I should look for when I arrive at Purple Lightning and how I should go about it. Father told me I would find answers there but I cannot be sure of the reception I will get from Tsuyoshi and Ichiko? They may not even know what Father was talking about. If they do know, why would they have kept this secret for so many years only to reveal it now, simply because I asked..? Nothing much makes any sense when I give it serious thought. I wonder now, whether Father even meant the House. For all I know, he could have been talking about somewhere on their Lands. If that is the case, how on earth would I ever find it? 

I believe that the library is probably my best starting point but I am uncertain as to whether I should ask them on the off chance that they know where I should look or not to bother them with it in case they are not on my side.

So many ifs, buts and maybes... And although Kaede promised me when I arrived that I could travel to Purple Lightning under her banner, how will that work? Does she really intend to send me on my way with a contingent of soldiers? That just seems silly since I am more than capable of making my own way. Perhaps I could just ask her for a horse and a letter for Tsuyoshi and Ichiko asking for their aid. I could arrive without ceremony then and just get on with the task at hand with no fuss. 

There will be plenty of time to consider all of that I suppose. For now, I must get ready for dinner. Kaede has asked the fool who performed at the solstice to play for us this evening and since I laughed until my sides nearly split last time I watched him. I am looking forward to this.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 7.

 The quietness of the New Year continues. I have taken tea with Kaede several times and have given her the gossip from Aoki. She pursed her lips in response and I do not know the significance of that reaction. Does she think I was making it up to placate her or does she believe it to be true and has some use for it...? I cannot say and while there was a time I would have been most interested in finding out, now, I only want to journey to Purple Lightning and do as Father suggested.

We have continued to train in the mornings and today, Suzuki actually let me have a sword. I must admit that it was far heavier than I could ever have imagined and I do not understand how battles are won with this as a weapon. When I questioned him as to a lighter option, I got a most disparaging look. He reminded us rather loudly while glaring in my direction, that battle does not wait for one to run around looking for a suitable blade. One must be ready to use whatever is at hand. I could not be bothered to point out that whatever was at hand would likely be something I was carrying, which would definitely not be a sword which weighs at least half as much as I do!

I was dying to ask him about the star shaped weapons as thin as parchment but rumoured to be sharp and deadly enough to take off a man's head. I chose instead, to hold my peace. Suzuki is not a man whose opinions are easily swayed and if he has decided it shall be a sword, then a sword it shall be. I made a somewhat decent fist of the form while holding it but it annoyed me to see Kaede and her cousins flinging their swords around as if they were fashioned from air. I had to remind myself that it does not matter. Soon, this fiction will be over and if I really want to, I can find someone to teach me to wield a weapon built for me when I have settled somewhere.

I have not yet broached the subject of leaving Silent Thunder. I feel guilty that I have abused Kaede's Hospitality, offered very little in return and am now moving on with very little thought for Kaede. Perhaps if I swear some sort of fealty to her, that in the future, if I am needed, I will lend her my aid or similar, she might be mollified. Would I? In her position? I do not know. Likely not, but Kaede is far more gracious than I have ever been. It is also true that she has known about my plan to go to Purple Lightning since I arrived. It is because of her that I am still here anyway.

Because of Kaede I am still here... 

Is this what I have been missing all along? That Kaede is in fact, behind all this herself? Surely not. But it is not without the realms of possibility. For all I know, Mother has somehow got Kaede onside and everything she has said and done since I came here is a lie. A cleverly constructed lie to draw me in to life at Silent Thunder so that I never leave and never find out whatever is at Purple Lightning... No. I am overthinking, as usual. Mother would never be satisfied with a permanent stay at Silent Thunder. If she were behind this, I would have been dragged back to Pale Twilight and confined to my room. If I were lucky and Mother did not decide that the oubliette were a better place for me.

Or would she..? Having me stay at Silent Thunder out of her way is certainly a far more devious way to get me out of her way... and if I were comfortable here, I would not give too much thought to resuming my station in life as a fly in Mother's ointment... It is certainly possible but is it probable? That, I do not know. 

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 3.

The House has not been very active this past sevenday or two. Everyone is still tired from the festivities and not a great deal has been happening. I did, belatedly, find a note on my desk. I imagine one of the merchants brought it and somehow it found its way to my room but I do not know whether Haru brought it or if someone else did. It does not matter. 

Aoki's brisk, spiky hand told me little of use. He has not seen a bird for some weeks either, and he does not know why. Now that he knows they have disappeared, he says he will send notes to the members of my network he can reach to let them know and to tell them to send any correspondence to him. He also confirms that he too, is still being paid. 

It is not the news I really wanted but at least I have an answer of sorts. It will likely take weeks, if not months to discover what has actually happened to the birds but I think I can live with that. So long as Kaede makes good on her promise to help me reach Purple Lightning, I do not need my network for a while at least. Once I have decided where I will settle permanently, I can put some energy into either having more birds trained or create another way for my network to communicate.

The weather is not what I would call warm but the chill is certainly bearable so I am determined to leave Silent Thunder as soon as I can reasonably do so without offending Kaede. Aoki has given me some gossip from three of the other Houses which in the grand scheme of things, is inconsequential but it may be enough to placate Kaede's sudden thirst for intelligence. 

Suzuyo and her baby are doing well. There are rumours that Yuika has fled the House and disappeared into the mountains although these are unsubstantiated and probably nonsense. Perhaps the most interesting snippet is that Shigeru's former wife is to wed one of Taira Crying Orchid's minor cousins. Apparently it is a love match and there are rumours that they were carrying on an affair while she was married to Shigeru. Again, unsubstantiated but what poetic justice if it is true!