Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 3 - Postscript.

It has occurred to me to worry about pregnancy again. The Chief's herbs brought about my cycle in order to prevent one but I cannot take them again so soon. For one thing, I could not bear the pains again and I am not convinced it would be safe to keep drinking that vile potion of his.
I do not know what to do. At home this would not be an issue but out here... I am at his mercy. He has made it clear that he does not want a child; his wives have only two between them and I am not convinced that he has fathered either of them. I have no desire to be the first to give him a baby. When I packed my supplies, I could not have foreseen an instance for me to need devices which would prevent conception... I am an imbecile; I should have refused him that first time in the woods. Indeed I should never have even talked to him in the first place... but it is too late for recriminations now. I need his touch, the flame he ignites within me; I need the release that only he has been able to give me. So I suppose I shall have to find a way to discuss this seriously with him. Or... I shall end up bearing a child...

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 3.

I cannot say no to him. I do not know myself. The self-loathing I feel at what I allow him to do to me grows but I cannot say no... I cannot. I am helpless to resist. As I write this, I anger myself. I make it sound as though he forces me. He does not. He does not need to. The more he touches me, the more I want him to do it. The further he pushes me to respond to his needs, the further I want him to push. I have had more than my fair share of lovers in the past; a whole castle full of willing servants desperate to please a Lady who might get them put on lighter duties or who enjoyed the kudos of lying with a woman in power or who might just have liked me... but none of them made me feel this... violent, voracious, consuming fire... none of them made me ... need ... more. I was always in control of when I saw them, how often we coupled, where we met... and now... I have surrendered that control completely...
As soon as my cycle was over he arrived in the cabin. How on earth he knew it was over, I cannot guess; I have not asked.  "You have been ill" He said. As if I did not know. I bit my tongue, already short of breath at his very presence. The thoughts that whirled around in my head shamed me so very deeply but I could not help the longing I felt. My body ached for the feel of his hands on me; for him to possess me but I remained silent, desperate to remain at least a little in control of the situation. Before I had time to realise what he was about, the Chief had whipped the coverlet off the bed and was looming over me, his eyes were gimlets boring into mine. He placed his hands either side of my shoulders and moved so that he was kneeling over me. "You." He said "Are an extremely difficult woman."
I looked up at him, mute. He continued by informing me that I had grieved him by cutting off my beautiful hair and that he had not forgiven me for it. He also said he was angry with me for putting myself in danger by remaining on deck despite being told it was dangerous. I did not remember being told any such thing but I said nothing; instead, I considered why exactly he thought my hair was any of his concern. I did not have much time for such thoughts however, for the Chief sank his mouth down on mine and he claimed my body yet again. My head span as I neared release and yet again, when it came; I cried. Instead of staying silent, the Chief licked each tear from my cheeks as it fell and asked me softly why I wept. I thought upon it for a short while before responding that I did not really know but that it always felt like such a ... relief, as if something pent up inside me was finally being set free. He nodded at that and lay down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. He slept a little while I lay awake thinking. When he woke, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me towards him until I was on my knees between his thighs. His right hand caressed my breast as he told me softly how to give him release and as I surrendered to him, I felt my belly flutter wildly and I did not want it to stop.
But it must stop. I cannot go on in this way. I find myself writing this over and over again. I spend more time thinking about what he does to my body than I do about the reason for this journey. I feel guilty that I have given almost no thought to the Lady Yuika and her difficulties of late. I really do not know where this will lead.

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 29.

A storm the likes of which I have never seen broke out across the waters the day before yesterday. The wind picked up very suddenly and before I had time to consider the possibility that a storm was on its way, the rain had begun to lash down and within less time than it takes to light a stick, I was soaked to my skin. The wind was so vicious that it took my breath away and I began shivering so violently that I quite forgot to be sick. Even I am not so stupid or obstinate that I would stay on the deck of a ship in such weather so I tried to edge my way along the deck to the small wooden steps that lead below.  My foot slipped on the wet wood and I wrenched my arms holding the rail so that I did not tumble; I screamed for help but the wind took the very sound from my throat before it had a chance to form. I cannot say how long I stayed there, hanging on to the rail; my feet slipping and sliding on the steps for it seemed as though time were suspended. The rail became as wet as the steps in the end and I could no longer hold on. The wind ripped away another scream as I thudded down to the foot of the steps.
I do not remember quite what happened after that but when I awoke, there was a lump on my forehead the size of a small bird's egg and the sickness had returned. The storm seemed to have abated and I thought to return to the deck but when I got to my feet, I felt so dizzy that returning to my cabin seemed a much better prospect. I wish I could record that I staggered on bravely and made it to my cabin unaided where I remained for a few hours before pulling myself together but unfortunately, the truth presents me in a much less pleasing light. I managed a few steps before my head spun so much that I sank back to the floor where I proceeded to crawl towards my cabin. One of the traders whose name escapes me came upon me and when he realised that I could not get up, he scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder unceremoniously whereupon I vomited all down his back. Part of me thinks it served him right; he should have carried me properly. The rest of me is simply deeply humiliated. I will get over it I suppose but I wish there was nothing to get over. I have remained in my bed because getting up just makes me feel sick. I can report, however, that the ship's rolling finally seems to have stopped.

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 27.

The gods have not forsaken me... at last I can write enough to report that the pains have gone and the motion of the ship seems to have settled down considerably. I am not completely well but I have managed to eat some plain food and I have only been sick once in the past day or so. A considerable improvement. I cannot bring myself to return below decks just yet although Kyung-Ah says that she has had my cabin cleaned. We manage to communicate reasonably well now; I have picked up a fair amount of the traders' language and the Chief has been teaching some of them mine so our conversations are much easier than when I first arrived at camp.  Since I took up residence on the deck, Kyung- Ah has been telling me about the land from which they hail and it sounds most interesting; one day, I should like to travel there although I am not convinced that I could cope with another journey by ship. If I can find a map, perhaps I will be able to find a way to travel there over land.
I have sent a letter to let Nanami know that I am on my way North and that things are unfolding as planned; I have not given her details about the traders or the Chief but she does not need to know. The other bird, I have sent back to Pale Twilight in the hope that Shikiko can ascertain the state of my network's pay roll and discover what Mother knows about my whereabouts. I have wrapped myself in a blanket as a defense against the bitter wind that sweeps across the sea almost permanently and I shall huddle against the mast to try and sleep a little until I feel brave enough to try and go back to the cabin...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 24.

This must be what the fifth Hell is like. I was so excited by the thought of sailing but what an idiot I have been! It is terrible. The first day at sea, we were close to the land and I was preoccupied by my hair and by... well... and then the pain but now... oh... this constant rolling is unbearable.  I have taken up permanent residence on deck because I cannot stand to be in a cabin any longer. The combination of the movement of the ship on the waves and the crippling cramps I suffered caused me to vomit copiously and before I could clean it up, the smell of my own sick made me throw up again... and once I had started... eventually, I managed to stagger back up to the deck and lean over the side of the ship. The sight of the waves did little for my stomach and I have been vomiting ever since. The wives have taken turns to bring me food and tea but I cannot bring myself to eat anything; I managed a little tea earlier but I am afraid that I brought it straight back up.
 I am stuck on this godsforsaken vessel for at least two weeks and I do not know how I will survive it. My lips are already blistered as they were before I arrived at the camp and I am frightened by the fact that I feel so sick and cannot eat or drink. The wives are concerned, I know. Their kindness shames me. How can they be so considerate when I have been lying with their husband. If the sandals were on my feet, I would not be nearly so generous... oh... gods... what was I thinking...? I cannot even write properly; the spray from the sea is making my ink bleed all over the pages and I have been having to stop writing every half stick or so to be sick again. Perhaps if I leave off my scribbling for a while and try to sleep a little...

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 22.

Oh... dear gods ... I can hardly bear to write this entry but as I keep promising myself an accurate record of what happens to me on my travels, I must... Only a day at sea was enough to convince me that I had been right about my hair. I was sick of the salt in it, sick of the weight of it and the knots and it was as if a candle flared suddenly in my head and I lost all reason. I separated it into two braids and then I hacked them off with the Chief's meat cleaver. I am extremely lucky that I did not hack into my own neck but when it was done I felt so ... light. My hair sits just above my jaw now that one of the Chief's wives has tidied up the ragged edges that I had created with the cleaver and it is such a relief I cannot describe it. The Chief however, was less than impressed. He was actually angry. I tried to point out that it was not his hair and so it could not concern him less but his response was to pick up both braids and drag me onto the deck where he ... oh I cannot... The mere thought of how his hands possessed my body yet again is enough to flush my cheeks scarlet with shame and yet when he held me beneath him, bound to the rigging with my own hair... threatening ... I goaded him into taking me there... Any one of the traders could have come across us in the act but I did not care. What bothers me more is that I would not object if the Chief wanted to do it again. I would beg him to do it. I would moan like the lowest sort of harlot to feel his hands roaming my body; possessing me, commanding me to move as he chose, telling me what to do in order to satisfy his needs... and that thought sickens me... what have I become in just a few short encounters with a man I do not even really know...?
And now... my cycle is upon me and I am in the worst sort of pain. I have been unusually fortunate in that regard for most of my life but this... this is appalling... Kyung-Ah, the first wife, says it is a side-effect of the herbs. I felt my cheeks flame with embarrassment at the thought that she knows the most intimate details of my liaison with her husband. It is one thing for the wives to know that we have been lying with each other, but for them to know exactly what we have been doing... this cannot go on. I must end it. I must.

Year of the Boar, Seventh Month, Day 21.

Birds arrived today. One from Pale Twilight and another from Shimmering Dawn of all places. It has been such a long time since I heard from my agent there that I had just about forgotten I had one... Somehow, Aoki has gained intelligence from Silent Thunder that Lady Kaede has been reinstated and that after a period of confusion at the House, she has taken control of the day to day House affairs. He says she spends a lot of time in her temple but that he has nothing else to report. In his own House life continues as normal and there is very little to report, hence his silence.

Aoki asks for instructions but I do not think that I can spare the bird if there is nothing happening in the North East... we will sail around the peninsula eventually but I do not think that the traders will be seen as a threat to Shimmering Dawn so they are unlikely to launch an Armada and even if they did, forewarning Aoki would be pointless since he cannot tell Lady Rina and Lord Shinshinousuke that I am aboard...
From Pale Twilight; Shikiko reports that Mother is well and truly furious. As I predicted, she did send out soldiers but only to scour our Lands. I was fortunate to have escaped their notice. When they failed to find me, she resorted to sending emissaries to Purple Lightning, Laughing Spider and Crying Orchid. Shikiko does not know whether she asked them to send emissaries further North or not. This is worrying. I should be safe once we sail but I feel anxious to be sitting on Crying Orchid's Lands knowing that Mother is actively trying to find me. We should sail in a few hours though so perhaps I can put it from my mind. Once we are at sea, even if she discovers where I am, there will be little she can do about it.
Speaking of sailing... I am ashamed to record what has passed between the Chief and me... he is like a drug. The herbs will not bring on my cycle for another day or two, he says and in the meantime, he intends to take full advantage of that. Intellectually, I wanted to refuse him but all he had to do was whisper at me that I should return to my tent and take off my under-garments. I was pathetic. I am beginning to sympathize with Lady Yuika's dependence... I will not detail what we did but the slightest touch of his fingertips and my entire body is on fire. He renders me quite incapable of saying anything other than 'please'... Soon enough he will have to leave me alone for a few days and perhaps then, I shall be able to rid myself of this... addiction.