Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 3.
I cannot say no to him. I do not know myself. The self-loathing I feel at what I allow him to do to me grows but I cannot say no... I cannot. I am helpless to resist. As I write this, I anger myself. I make it sound as though he forces me. He does not. He does not need to. The more he touches me, the more I want him to do it. The further he pushes me to respond to his needs, the further I want him to push. I have had more than my fair share of lovers in the past; a whole castle full of willing servants desperate to please a Lady who might get them put on lighter duties or who enjoyed the kudos of lying with a woman in power or who might just have liked me... but none of them made me feel this... violent, voracious, consuming fire... none of them made me ... need ... more. I was always in control of when I saw them, how often we coupled, where we met... and now... I have surrendered that control completely...
As soon as my cycle was over he arrived in the cabin. How on earth he knew it was over, I cannot guess; I have not asked. "You have been ill" He said. As if I did not know. I bit my tongue, already short of breath at his very presence. The thoughts that whirled around in my head shamed me so very deeply but I could not help the longing I felt. My body ached for the feel of his hands on me; for him to possess me but I remained silent, desperate to remain at least a little in control of the situation. Before I had time to realise what he was about, the Chief had whipped the coverlet off the bed and was looming over me, his eyes were gimlets boring into mine. He placed his hands either side of my shoulders and moved so that he was kneeling over me. "You." He said "Are an extremely difficult woman."
I looked up at him, mute. He continued by informing me that I had grieved him by cutting off my beautiful hair and that he had not forgiven me for it. He also said he was angry with me for putting myself in danger by remaining on deck despite being told it was dangerous. I did not remember being told any such thing but I said nothing; instead, I considered why exactly he thought my hair was any of his concern. I did not have much time for such thoughts however, for the Chief sank his mouth down on mine and he claimed my body yet again. My head span as I neared release and yet again, when it came; I cried. Instead of staying silent, the Chief licked each tear from my cheeks as it fell and asked me softly why I wept. I thought upon it for a short while before responding that I did not really know but that it always felt like such a ... relief, as if something pent up inside me was finally being set free. He nodded at that and lay down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. He slept a little while I lay awake thinking. When he woke, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me towards him until I was on my knees between his thighs. His right hand caressed my breast as he told me softly how to give him release and as I surrendered to him, I felt my belly flutter wildly and I did not want it to stop.
But it must stop. I cannot go on in this way. I find myself writing this over and over again. I spend more time thinking about what he does to my body than I do about the reason for this journey. I feel guilty that I have given almost no thought to the Lady Yuika and her difficulties of late. I really do not know where this will lead.
As soon as my cycle was over he arrived in the cabin. How on earth he knew it was over, I cannot guess; I have not asked. "You have been ill" He said. As if I did not know. I bit my tongue, already short of breath at his very presence. The thoughts that whirled around in my head shamed me so very deeply but I could not help the longing I felt. My body ached for the feel of his hands on me; for him to possess me but I remained silent, desperate to remain at least a little in control of the situation. Before I had time to realise what he was about, the Chief had whipped the coverlet off the bed and was looming over me, his eyes were gimlets boring into mine. He placed his hands either side of my shoulders and moved so that he was kneeling over me. "You." He said "Are an extremely difficult woman."
I looked up at him, mute. He continued by informing me that I had grieved him by cutting off my beautiful hair and that he had not forgiven me for it. He also said he was angry with me for putting myself in danger by remaining on deck despite being told it was dangerous. I did not remember being told any such thing but I said nothing; instead, I considered why exactly he thought my hair was any of his concern. I did not have much time for such thoughts however, for the Chief sank his mouth down on mine and he claimed my body yet again. My head span as I neared release and yet again, when it came; I cried. Instead of staying silent, the Chief licked each tear from my cheeks as it fell and asked me softly why I wept. I thought upon it for a short while before responding that I did not really know but that it always felt like such a ... relief, as if something pent up inside me was finally being set free. He nodded at that and lay down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. He slept a little while I lay awake thinking. When he woke, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me towards him until I was on my knees between his thighs. His right hand caressed my breast as he told me softly how to give him release and as I surrendered to him, I felt my belly flutter wildly and I did not want it to stop.
But it must stop. I cannot go on in this way. I find myself writing this over and over again. I spend more time thinking about what he does to my body than I do about the reason for this journey. I feel guilty that I have given almost no thought to the Lady Yuika and her difficulties of late. I really do not know where this will lead.
posted by Lady Seira @ 23:39
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