Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 16.

The weather has well and truly turned. I cannot imagine how anybody lives up here if the weather is like this all year round. Yesterday was cold but today, the temperature has been positively glacial. It has also been raining; not the soft, warm drizzle of the South but driving rain that lashes down marking ruts in the dirt and sending leaves and grass washing down the slight incline of what passes for a road out here. Fortunately, the Chief gave me a bag made from oilskin before I left the ship; had he not, I have no doubt that my papers and the silks I packed would already be ruined. I have been huddled behind a bush, shivering by the damp remains of the fire I lit last night. I did think that I would simply stay where I had sheltered to sleep for a short while until the rain stopped but instead of stopping, it steadily became worse. I have taken advantage of the fact that the rain has stopped in order to commit these few words to parchment but the skies are overcast by thunderous, black clouds and I am sure that it will be less than a stick before it starts to lash down upon me again. I do not know quite what to do...  If I stay here, I am convinced that I will not survive this cold and that I will freeze to death before I ever make it to the House. On the other hand, if I try to continue on foot, I may lose my way or fall and injure myself or suffer any number of hideous fates simply because I cannot see where I am going... On balance though, since I have no way to know when this weather will change, it may be a better idea to continue towards the House. I may pass a village and find help which I will certainly not if I stay behind this bush.

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 15.

I had thought that working in the camp with the Traders had kept me fitter than I was when I set out from Pale Twilight but after only a day of walking in the lands of Dying Crane, I am already exhausted. The ship put to anchor a few miles out from the shore and the Chief brought to me to shore in small rowing boat which used to hang at the side of the ship; a toy in comparison. We did not speak until we reached the beach; I felt emotional after all the goodbyes I had said and somewhat worried about the prospect of wandering unknown lands by myself again. When the tiny boat ran aground on the ridges of sand under the edge of the water, the Chief plucked me from the board on which I sat and carried me and my pack through a metre of so of water. He set me down about half way up the beach and put his hands on my shoulders as he looked into my eyes.

"You could stay." His voice was soft. "You would not have to marry me but you could stay."

I wanted to cry but I knew that I must not. If I had cried, I would have fallen into his arms and never left them and I had made a promise. A promise to Yuika but also a promise to myself. If I came all this way and then did not go to Dying Crane, what would the point of all of this have been...?

It was several moments before I managed to speak.

"I have made a promise. I cannot break my word..."

The Chief nodded; he kissed me ardently and then turned and walked back to the sea without saying any more. He did not look back and indeed, I would not have, either.

I started walking then. I have been studying the map of Dying Crane's lands for so long now that I do not really need to look at them. The Lands in this area of Dying Crane are low-lying and green and fairly flat. The mountains lie to the west and I am thankful that I do not need to be wandering around in those. The temperature up here is significantly colder than it is in Pale Twilight. I cannot imagine how cold it must be in the mountains. Sol-Bi gave me a fur wrap to wear; I tired to tell her that I would not need it but I am glad that she insisted. I dread to think what it will be like when night falls. I have managed to build myself a fire so that I shall at least be warm when I go to sleep. I would rather not have it but I have a knife with which I can defend myself should the flames attract attention and I would prefer not to freeze to death while I sleep.
I have a day or two of walking before I reach the House and I must think of a plan before I arrive. I can hardly just barge up to the doors and demand an audience with Lady Yuika. It is a pity that I have had no bird lately, for it would be far easier to send word to Nanami and have her come and collect me. I have thought of almost every other contingency; I wonder why this has not occurred to me before.

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 13.

I cannot say how much relief it is with which I am able to write that the ship will arrive on Dying Crane's land within the next day. If the wind picks up, we may even make it before dark. A day. It has taken me such a long time to get here and now, my arrival at Dying Crane is imminent. I can scarcely believe it. I have spent the past few sticks sorting out my pack. The servants clothes I wore to escape from Pale Twilight are in reasonably good condition and will be more practical to wear than the attire I have been wearing while I have been with the Traders. I shall have to ask for some more ink blocks and a new brush or two I think but I cannot see Kyung-Ah or Hyun-Jae wishing me to go without those. I think they will also send me on my way with some soap and enough food and water to last the few days it will take me to get to the House and some candles for the lantern I brought with me. It is a little bit ripped but I think it will suffice. I see no need to travel at night now that it is unlikely anyone would be searching for me this far north but it is as well to be prepared  just in case I do feel that travelling by day is too dangerous.
I felt violently ill this morning so I decided to venture onto the deck for some air. It was cold but the sky was clear and blue. I noticed after a while that the deck hands seemed to be disappearing below and that I was alone. I felt uncomfortable at that; I felt I would be safer in my cabin if the weather turned but as I was about to return there, the Chief appeared behind me. He stood directly behind me, pressing me into the rail against which I stood.

"I hurt you." The understatement of the year but I was not about to argue with him. "I would not wish to cause you lasting pain... Forgive me."

I almost choked upon my own tongue such was my shock at an apology from the Chief. I tried to turn but he would not allow it. I felt his arm snake around my waist and his lips brush my neck; his free hand slipping to settle at my collar bone.
I leant back against him, sighing softly, aware that this would be our last time together. He held me tightly, leaning his chin on my shoulder and we talked at length about what had passed between us. He does not want me to go. I have told him that I must but I have also told him everything that I feel for him and about him. He told me that his feelings are the same. When at last we coupled on a blanket on the deck, he was gentle and considerate.
It will be difficult to say goodbye but I cannot stay with the Traders indefinitely; I have imposed on their hospitality and kindness for too long; even were that not the case, I must get to the House of Dying Crane.

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 12. Postscript.

I felt such turmoil when I was writing this morning, that I could not continue. Such was the bout of weeping that overwhelmed me, I lay in my bed for several sticks, clutching my chest and sobbing. This is not like me. Even when I endured the worst of Mother's excessive discipline, I cried only once or twice for but a short while before I righted myself and began scheming again. This... this is new. I do not like it. I have humiliated myself even further by confessing all to Hyun-Jae, the second of the Chief's wives. She heard me crying as she passed the door of my cabin and concerned, she came in without bothering to knock. I was examining my breast and had not the time to cover it before she saw.

My cheeks must have been the colour of an overcooked crustacean such was the shame I felt at having her see me in that state of undress but she showed only kindness and concern. Hyun-Jae insisted on examining the wound herself and when he had looked at it closely, left my cabin quickly to fetch another of those foul-smelling unguents of which they all seem so fond. When she returned, she cleaned the bite and slathered the vile stuff all over my skin before sealing it with a dressing. 

"I knew he had a darkness deep within him" she said quietly "but I had no idea that it was this..."

 I shook my head at her dumbly, unable to say anything of substance and Hyun-Jae continued smiling gently.

 "You hardly did this to yourself, my dear... and... " she blushed faintly herself, "Do you think we cannot hear you...?" 

I felt another rush of heat colour my cheeks and the sound that came from my throat was unearthly; a fresh flood of tears poured down my face and Hyun-Jae reached for me and held me tightly in her arms. Between sobs, I found myself telling her absolutely everything. In those moments, I could hold nothing back. It was as if all of my secrets had become a rotting knot deep inside me and only allowing Hyun-Jae to share the burden would make me feel clean. I leant against her weakly, still crying as I shared my feelings of confusion, revulsion and lust and in those moments, I felt relieved. 

Hyun-Jae has the benefit of ten or twelve years more experience of life than I; she has also been with the Chief for several of those years. I thought her advice, if she had any, was likely worth listening to.  She told me that she has always felt that he was holding something back, something deep within him that even he could not acknowledge. She also told me that the Chief has never raised a hand to her or Kyung-Ah, even Sol-Bi, the third wife, could not provoke him with her tantrums. He punished Sol-Mae with a spanking for her tirade against me apparently, but there was nothing sexual in it. I wish he had seen fit to tell me that he was angry with her for what she had said. If he had... none of this would have happened. 

Regarding my fears, Hyun-Jae thinks I am right to be afraid of where it could lead but she promised me that if I tell the Chief to stop, he will. He will not ask questions, he will not hold a grudge or be petulant, he will just do as I ask. I wanted to know how she could be so sure which I suppose was a stupid question given how long they have been wed but she merely told me that he had upset her when they first met but that when she had told him how upset she was, he had stopped. She would say nothing else about it and I thought I detected a hint of pain in her eyes so I did not push. 

The real question is... can I ask him to stop...? 

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 12.

The Chief stopped just short of violence last night. I could almost sense the anger in him surging through his veins, pulsating just under the surface of his skin as he bedded me. He has found out what I did to Sol-Mae. He does not believe that it was an accident and so he is furious with me for attempting to murder his fourth wife. I did not have time to disabuse him of the notion and now I lie here, sore and nauseated; unsure what on earth I should do.
He did not speak to me as he held my wrists above my head and thrust himself upon me rendering me breathless and weak. He brought about his release as he opened his mouth on my left breast and closed his teeth hard; the skin there is broken, bruised and tender. It bled during the night, staining my bed linen but I have said nothing about it. When he bit me, I heard myself scream out not in agony but with some other emotion that I cannot name and I floated outside of my own body as my head spun and raw, dizzying sensation washed over me. The Chief barely made a sound except to growl in satisfaction and we had no conversation before he left my bed.
I should be insulted, I should be angry and disgusted; I am none of those things but I am frightened in a way I do not think I have ever been. Not when mother held me prisoner in my own home, not when I slept alone under a bush in the middle of nowhere and not when first I lay with a boy.  I am afraid and sickened by the fact that the more debased our coupling becomes, the more I want of it. I writhe in pleasure when he takes a strap to me, when he pulls my hair and when he is rough and now when he causes me physical injury. This cannot end well. In the cold light of day when I think of what I allow him to do to me, what I long for him to do to me, I am appalled by what I have become.  Mother was right...
My chest hurts.

Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 10.

I have exacted my revenge upon Sol-Mae and although I demeaned myself by responding pettily to her mud-slinging, I have found it difficult to stop chuckling to myself since I did it. The anger I felt at the Chief's reaction to our contretemps only burned hotter when it appeared that he had in fact, chosen abstinence as the solution for the pregnancy issue. I found my anger directed at Sol-Mae rather than the Chief since in my eyes, it was her "acid" as he calls it, that caused the argument between us in the first place.

I spent a day or two thinking about how best to get back at her and I could not think of little of any substance especially given that I have so few resources. In the end, I invited her to my cabin under the pretext of making an apology. I presented her with one of my ancient hair pins as propitiation for my "offences" and as she reached out to take it, I pushed it into her skin so that it scratched. As she nursed the tiny graze, I feigned concern and then when I saw that a minuscule globule of blood had oozed up from between the faintly ragged edges of the skin, I seized the pin and made a huge fuss about how I hadn't meant to make a present of this particular ornament. I began to cry and screamed for someone to fetch the physician; all the while watching the panic in Sol-Mae's eyes grow. In short, I have managed to convince her that the pin had a drop of the most deadly, slow-acting poison on the tip. She also believes that there is no anecdote and that sooner or later, vile symptoms will take hold of her body and that she will fall ill and die slowly and painfully. I know it is childish but I cannot help chuckling to myself when I think about the look on her face.
By the time anyone realises that I have lied to her, I will be close to Dying Crane, if not there already and I shall never have to worry about the likes of Sol-Mae again.