Year of the Boar, Eighth Month, Day 12. Postscript.

I felt such turmoil when I was writing this morning, that I could not continue. Such was the bout of weeping that overwhelmed me, I lay in my bed for several sticks, clutching my chest and sobbing. This is not like me. Even when I endured the worst of Mother's excessive discipline, I cried only once or twice for but a short while before I righted myself and began scheming again. This... this is new. I do not like it. I have humiliated myself even further by confessing all to Hyun-Jae, the second of the Chief's wives. She heard me crying as she passed the door of my cabin and concerned, she came in without bothering to knock. I was examining my breast and had not the time to cover it before she saw.

My cheeks must have been the colour of an overcooked crustacean such was the shame I felt at having her see me in that state of undress but she showed only kindness and concern. Hyun-Jae insisted on examining the wound herself and when he had looked at it closely, left my cabin quickly to fetch another of those foul-smelling unguents of which they all seem so fond. When she returned, she cleaned the bite and slathered the vile stuff all over my skin before sealing it with a dressing. 

"I knew he had a darkness deep within him" she said quietly "but I had no idea that it was this..."

 I shook my head at her dumbly, unable to say anything of substance and Hyun-Jae continued smiling gently.

 "You hardly did this to yourself, my dear... and... " she blushed faintly herself, "Do you think we cannot hear you...?" 

I felt another rush of heat colour my cheeks and the sound that came from my throat was unearthly; a fresh flood of tears poured down my face and Hyun-Jae reached for me and held me tightly in her arms. Between sobs, I found myself telling her absolutely everything. In those moments, I could hold nothing back. It was as if all of my secrets had become a rotting knot deep inside me and only allowing Hyun-Jae to share the burden would make me feel clean. I leant against her weakly, still crying as I shared my feelings of confusion, revulsion and lust and in those moments, I felt relieved. 

Hyun-Jae has the benefit of ten or twelve years more experience of life than I; she has also been with the Chief for several of those years. I thought her advice, if she had any, was likely worth listening to.  She told me that she has always felt that he was holding something back, something deep within him that even he could not acknowledge. She also told me that the Chief has never raised a hand to her or Kyung-Ah, even Sol-Bi, the third wife, could not provoke him with her tantrums. He punished Sol-Mae with a spanking for her tirade against me apparently, but there was nothing sexual in it. I wish he had seen fit to tell me that he was angry with her for what she had said. If he had... none of this would have happened. 

Regarding my fears, Hyun-Jae thinks I am right to be afraid of where it could lead but she promised me that if I tell the Chief to stop, he will. He will not ask questions, he will not hold a grudge or be petulant, he will just do as I ask. I wanted to know how she could be so sure which I suppose was a stupid question given how long they have been wed but she merely told me that he had upset her when they first met but that when she had told him how upset she was, he had stopped. She would say nothing else about it and I thought I detected a hint of pain in her eyes so I did not push. 

The real question is... can I ask him to stop...?