Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 12, Postscript.

Yuika was indeed agitated and had taken to her koto because she was too tired to continue pacing. Apparently, she had been awake for most of the night, unable to sleep because of her renewed fear that is not safe from Shigeru.
Much of what she says is ridiculous but I no longer have the heart to tell her that. Instead, I asked her to play me a tune that was a favourite of Father's. She did not know it well and informed me that she would likely make it sound as though a cat were chewing on the strings. Yuika's idea of not knowing a piece well and mine are clearly not the same; it sounded utterly beautiful to me and unusually, I felt tears pricking at the backs of my eyes as she played. I did my best to hide them, of course but Yuika noticed and asked me what ailed me.
An ideal opportunity, thought I, to have a serious talk with her about the state of affairs in Dying Crane; I let my voice tremble and crack as I told her of the shame I felt at having lain with Yuuta when I really had not wanted to. I let her believe that he had been a great deal rougher than he was and although I stressed that I had not said 'no' to him, I could tell that she did not believe me.
Before I could say 'chopsticks' I found myself crying (or rather pretending to cry) on Yuika's shoulder. Yuika herself began to weep and apologised for not having been able to protect me in her House. This was all I needed... I believe we may have turned a corner; a very tiny corner, it is true, but a corner nonetheless.
I have convinced her to agree to allow Ryouko to serve her and that she will make sure she eats three full meals a day as well as some small treats with tea in the morning and the afternoon. She is not happy about this (everything tastes as ash to her, she says) but she agrees that if she does not get her strength back, she will not be able to protect me or the servants who suffer similar abuses (mostly made up by me, of course but the ends in this case must surely justify the means), she will not be in a position to fight back against Shigeru should he decide to make good on his promises and, more importantly, she will not manage when the delegation from the Sixth arrives and her House will be an embarrassment. She has also agreed that she will spend time in the gardens every day the weather allows and she will do her best to take more interest in matters of the House.
We will see whether any of this actually transpires but I believe that I may have got to the bottom of much of Yuika's angst which is that she feels that she has no one in whom she can truly confide and certainly no one who genuinely cares about her. This I can understand; she has no siblings and both her parents were gone before she reached puberty... She has had no meaningful relationships because of her 'arrangement' with Shigeru and thanks to Itsuki, trusts no one. Aside from the abuse, we are not dissimilar in this way except of course, that until this year, I always had Father...
I have told her that I care and that I will stand for her. Now that I understand a little of what she has been through (and how I hate myself for lying to her but things had to change...), I will be the one in whom she can confide... I must make this work. If I do not, Dying Crane will crumble... I still have no idea why I care quite so much about the future of Dying Crane but partly, I think it is because I still think that if I can save Dying Crane, I can save myself...

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 12.

At last, a bird has arrived with news from the middle of the Kingdom via Kouji at Fallen Sakura. It is delightful to have something with which to occupy my mind for a few sticks. Most of it was inconsequential but from Silent Thunder there was most interesting news that Kaede is hiding a pregnancy. Kouji says that only Kaede's inner circle are aware that she is carrying a child but my agent, Haru, at Silent Thunder thought it strange that Kaede is spending so much time alone and away from the rest of the House and decided to hide herself outside Kaede's window so she could listen in on the conversations she was having.  I have sent a message back to Kouji to make sure that Haru does not take any more risks; I cannot have my network discovered because my agents are loitering in places they should not be.
Haru has also discovered that Kaede is planning some sort of assualt on White Lake.  I say Haru has discovered this - actually this is the conclusion that I have drawn from what little information Kouji has sent. She has been spending a lot of time closeted with one Lord Sasanuma who was one of her senior military men before White Lake occupied her House. Then again, I suppose I may be projecting my own proclivities for vengeance upon the situation. For all I know, Kaede could simply be indulging in a torrid affair with Sasanuma...although... torrid affairs with her own staff are not really Kaede's style; she only ever had eyes for Kenta and I believe that she has never taken anyone but him to her bed which makes her pregnancy very interesting news indeed... An heir to two Houses... if it is a girl .... and an heir to White Lake if it is a boy. Well, well, well... This is extremely intriguing. Assumning of course, that I am correct and the child is Kenta's... Kaede may indeed have changed her outlook and the child could be Sasanuma's... or anyone's... but somehow... somehow, I do not think it is which makes the next few months at Silent Thunder well worth watching.
As I sit here and write, I hear the strains of the koto coming from down the hall. Yuika is either extremely agitated or her mood has improved. I hope it is the latter but something tells me it is not and that I should go and see what ails her.

Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 11.

This madness really is too much to bear. I am convinced that Yuika has lost any shred of sanity she may have once had. She is fixated on this idea that Shigeru is behind this royal visit from the Seventh and has gone so far as to order a cohort of soldiers to escort the scouts back to the Seventh and question the Queen. Mercifully, the Diplomat for the military realises how ridiculous this plan is and is working on a way to dissuade Yuika from this idiocy since she will not listen to me.
The fact that it is infernally cold up here does little to improve my temper. Pale Twilight is balmy and the evenings are long and sultry even during the winter months; all the scrolls in the Kingdom could not have prepared for how very much colder it is here... I cannot understand how I never noticed it when we visited for Talks... perhaps it is simply that we were never here for long enough that the cold really set in. It might help, I suppose, to have something with which to occupy myself. I simply have too much time to dwell on things I would prefer not to think on.
I am especially disgusted with myself this morning after having allowed Yuuta back into my bed.His arrogance really is quite astounding; I recall writing some weeks ago that he was entertaining enough as a bed fellow but either I was simply desperate to fill the Chief's place in my bed or Yuuta was on his best behaviour because I saw something quite different in him last evening. Having followed me to my chamber after the evening meal, he launched into a nonsensical speech about how he understood my religious inclinations and respected them but he did not think the gods would condemn our relationship... relationship, thought I, what a ludicrous choice of description for a haphazard liaison ... He spoke of marriage in time... and there I was, hoisted on my own petard... I seethed inwardly, knowing that I had brought this on myself but I could not bring myself to admit that I had been lying about my religous inclinations and that I simply found him dull and fairly inept... I prevaricated; reluctant to have him making these declarations outside my chamber for anyone in the House to hear so I suggested we discuss it further over tea.
What was I thinking?! I hardly know. Of course Yuuta interpreted 'tea' as something else and as soon as I had passed him a cup, he was kissing my hand and that led to my wrist, my elbow and my shoulder... and I.. I did nothing to stop him. I could not say whether it was boredom or something else but I allowed it. Soon enough, I was on my back and Yuuta was taking great delight in informing me between grunts that he had known I would not resist his attentions for long.
He was rough and inconsiderate and not in a way that... excited me... when he had finished, we lay there for a while and made small talk. Towards the end of the conversation, Yuuta smiled somewhat smugly and told me that he must be honest about not being the marrying kind. In fact, he told me that even if he were, I could not expect to marry him; I had not enough rank. Not enough rank... I spluttered... Second in line to the House of Pale Twilight was not enough rank for him...? How much 'rank' did he want?! A stupid question, of course; Yuuta wants an actual heir or better yet, a Ruler... but there are none for him to have... Interestingly, it transpired that he had not had any idea who I was, believing me to be a cousin even more distant than he to Yuika.
I should have remained silent in hindsight for my revelation proved more than Yuuta's libido could bear and within moments, he was fawning over me, regretting his ... 'unintentional insult'... and then his mouth was on mine and I found it easier to let him get on with it than extracate myself from his attentions. I have an inkling now, of what Yuika must have felt to have Shigeru all over her. I cannot claim rape for I did not say no to him but I feel disgusted with myself for having even let him touch me. I saw him for what he was... arrogant... entitled... disingenuous  and... throughly unpleasant.
The thought of his mouth on me makes my skin crawl and when I recalled the sly look in his eyes as he took my wrists in his hand and rolled me over, I thought I would actually vomit. A flimsy cloak of humiliation lies over my shoulders; a layer of grime that clings and will not leave. My cheeks heat with shame as I sit here and write this knowing that I could have stopped him quite easily and I did not. The thought that the entire House thinks that I wish to remain in his affections revolts me.
Yet how much worse must Yuika feel? Living with the feeling of unwanted advances that were forced upon her with violence and ignominy... it is no wonder she has lost her grip on reality. I know now though, that I cannot leave. I must do my best to aid her; I will not allow myself to become entwined with Yuuta. I will not submit to him again and should he try to press me again, I will not have much regard for his position in this House and he will find himself at the wrong end of my blade. I have the strength that Yuika does not and no matter how difficult it becomes for me to remain here, I must try my absolute best to help her rise from the ashes of her pain.