Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 11.

This madness really is too much to bear. I am convinced that Yuika has lost any shred of sanity she may have once had. She is fixated on this idea that Shigeru is behind this royal visit from the Seventh and has gone so far as to order a cohort of soldiers to escort the scouts back to the Seventh and question the Queen. Mercifully, the Diplomat for the military realises how ridiculous this plan is and is working on a way to dissuade Yuika from this idiocy since she will not listen to me.
The fact that it is infernally cold up here does little to improve my temper. Pale Twilight is balmy and the evenings are long and sultry even during the winter months; all the scrolls in the Kingdom could not have prepared for how very much colder it is here... I cannot understand how I never noticed it when we visited for Talks... perhaps it is simply that we were never here for long enough that the cold really set in. It might help, I suppose, to have something with which to occupy myself. I simply have too much time to dwell on things I would prefer not to think on.
I am especially disgusted with myself this morning after having allowed Yuuta back into my bed.His arrogance really is quite astounding; I recall writing some weeks ago that he was entertaining enough as a bed fellow but either I was simply desperate to fill the Chief's place in my bed or Yuuta was on his best behaviour because I saw something quite different in him last evening. Having followed me to my chamber after the evening meal, he launched into a nonsensical speech about how he understood my religious inclinations and respected them but he did not think the gods would condemn our relationship... relationship, thought I, what a ludicrous choice of description for a haphazard liaison ... He spoke of marriage in time... and there I was, hoisted on my own petard... I seethed inwardly, knowing that I had brought this on myself but I could not bring myself to admit that I had been lying about my religous inclinations and that I simply found him dull and fairly inept... I prevaricated; reluctant to have him making these declarations outside my chamber for anyone in the House to hear so I suggested we discuss it further over tea.
What was I thinking?! I hardly know. Of course Yuuta interpreted 'tea' as something else and as soon as I had passed him a cup, he was kissing my hand and that led to my wrist, my elbow and my shoulder... and I.. I did nothing to stop him. I could not say whether it was boredom or something else but I allowed it. Soon enough, I was on my back and Yuuta was taking great delight in informing me between grunts that he had known I would not resist his attentions for long.
He was rough and inconsiderate and not in a way that... excited me... when he had finished, we lay there for a while and made small talk. Towards the end of the conversation, Yuuta smiled somewhat smugly and told me that he must be honest about not being the marrying kind. In fact, he told me that even if he were, I could not expect to marry him; I had not enough rank. Not enough rank... I spluttered... Second in line to the House of Pale Twilight was not enough rank for him...? How much 'rank' did he want?! A stupid question, of course; Yuuta wants an actual heir or better yet, a Ruler... but there are none for him to have... Interestingly, it transpired that he had not had any idea who I was, believing me to be a cousin even more distant than he to Yuika.
I should have remained silent in hindsight for my revelation proved more than Yuuta's libido could bear and within moments, he was fawning over me, regretting his ... 'unintentional insult'... and then his mouth was on mine and I found it easier to let him get on with it than extracate myself from his attentions. I have an inkling now, of what Yuika must have felt to have Shigeru all over her. I cannot claim rape for I did not say no to him but I feel disgusted with myself for having even let him touch me. I saw him for what he was... arrogant... entitled... disingenuous  and... throughly unpleasant.
The thought of his mouth on me makes my skin crawl and when I recalled the sly look in his eyes as he took my wrists in his hand and rolled me over, I thought I would actually vomit. A flimsy cloak of humiliation lies over my shoulders; a layer of grime that clings and will not leave. My cheeks heat with shame as I sit here and write this knowing that I could have stopped him quite easily and I did not. The thought that the entire House thinks that I wish to remain in his affections revolts me.
Yet how much worse must Yuika feel? Living with the feeling of unwanted advances that were forced upon her with violence and ignominy... it is no wonder she has lost her grip on reality. I know now though, that I cannot leave. I must do my best to aid her; I will not allow myself to become entwined with Yuuta. I will not submit to him again and should he try to press me again, I will not have much regard for his position in this House and he will find himself at the wrong end of my blade. I have the strength that Yuika does not and no matter how difficult it becomes for me to remain here, I must try my absolute best to help her rise from the ashes of her pain.