Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 21.

Haru found me a midwife who confirmed that I am with child.  It can only be Yuuta's child. I have felt violently sick since she told me the news; the idea of that man's spawn growing and writhing inside me until I am forced to give birth is revolting... I retch just writing those words on a page. If it were almost anyone else's child, I could, perhaps, bear the thought of becoming a mother... it might not have been so bad... an opportunity to do better than my own mother... but my skin crawls at the thought of it. 

This... has been a painful day of retrospection... I have had to think long and hard about my situation and accept many difficult truths... I tried to think about a baby, separate it from its father... my child... not his... but what have I to offer a child now...? No home of my own, reliant on the kindness of others for even the most basic survival... kindness which I do not deserve... which I would repay with another mouth to feed...  And then there is Kaede... Whatever my choice, I feel as though I am spitting in the face of her generosity... 

I say 'whatever my choice'... I have already made it... I am deluding myself if I try to persuade myself otherwise. The feeling of nausea only worsens and I know, deep inside, that I cannot have his child... I cannot.