Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 16.

 The concert last evening was wonderful. It transpired that the musicians in question were a troupe led by a biwa player who goes only by her given name... Airi. She is famous around the Kingdom and beyond for her incredible talent and although she usually resides in Shimmering Dawn where she and her troupe give concerts in a specially designed hall, from time to time, they tour the Kingdom. I had no idea they were on such a tour at present and I was delighted to hear her play. I remember hearing her once before when the Talks were at Shimmering Dawn and Father wanted to attend their concert before we travelled home. I was too young to appreciate it then but I certainly did yesterday. 

I found myself quite transported by the selection of sea shanties in particular. I cannot say why; perhaps they remind me of Father... Kaede had arranged a small drinks party after the concert to which she invited Airi. I could not put my finger on quite what was so appealing about her but I felt almost bewitched in her presence. When she spoke, the warm throaty tone of her voice had me transfixed by her every word. Of course, in the cold light of day, I cannot remember much of the conversation. I do remember that she said they would be ending their tour with a concert in Fallen Sakura after which, she is going to spend the rest of the winter in Dying Crane. Apparently she has met someone there whom she likes. She did not say who it was and it was not my place to ask. I did, however, ask her if she would deliver my letter to Yuika and she generously said that she would.

What possessed me to hand over such a personal letter to a complete stranger, I have no idea. I believe she will deliver it, though. Kaede knows her somewhat well and says that she is trustworthy. I suppose it is no riskier than giving the letter to a merchant or a broker and having them send it to the north via their networks. Perhaps it will actually arrive quicker with Airi. 

Despite battling the after effects of too much alcohol at the party, I was expected to attend a fitting for my new gown this morning. The seamstress is truly a mistress of her craft. I have no interest in fashion but even I appreciated the exquisite cut of the cloth and the perfect stitching. I also appreciated the gossip she imparted which is that several more Ladies of the House have had their hair cut to above their shoulders and Kaede is not at all impressed! I got a pin stuck in my shoulder for laughing so hard that I could not stay still while the seamstress fiddled around with the neckline. She also told me that orange is my colour to which I responded dryly that I would keep it in mind. The pristine white wrap she has made for me is the softest thing I have ever felt; I am almost excited to have the opportunity to wear it outside.

There is one thing I must note, which is that Kaede wishes to see me. She has a job for me. I am pleased about that. I shall be glad to earn my keep. We are to take tea tomorrow when she will tell me what she has in mind.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 14.

 Hikari and Kiku invited me to take tea with them this morning. I was going to decline politely but then I realised that having some friends other than Kaede would not be a bad thing. Especially since I cannot keep relying on Haru. We have not discussed it since before we arrived at the House but I do not believe she has changed her mind about remaining in my network so I must find other ways to keep abreast of House news once I leave. 

Haru insisted I dress properly for the occasion so I arrived at the tea house clad in a shimmering sea green silk printed with silver peonies. Since my hair is too short to be dressed, I wore a peacock shaped pin just above my right ear; Haru deems this acceptable apparently, although she muttered incessantly about propriety and it being about time my hair started to grow. I kept my opinions to myself but I actually laughed out loud when I shuffled over the threshold to see the two of them sitting there with sleek, perfectly coiffed hair cut to just below their jawlines. Kiku wore a flower in hers while Hikari had opted for some sort of jewelled insect. 

They looked crushed when I began chuckling. Hikari ran her hand down the shortened length of hers and asked if I didn't like it. Haru shook her head slowly, looking absolutely baffled as Kiki burbled about how fetching they had thought my hair when we ate last night. More to the point, how much more practical it was not to have to have it dressed every time they wanted to leave their rooms. I told them that they looked absolutely marvellous and tried to explain Haru's horror at my choice to cut my own. The two of them looked at each other sheepishly before they confessed that they were not the only ones to have decided that long hair was no longer desirable. I laughed until I shed tears at the idea that I had unintentionally become a trendsetter at Silent Thunder. 

I enjoyed their company. It was very nice to experience what 'normal' life must be like when one has no cares. There is to be a concert of sorts tomorrow, when some musicians who are touring the Kingdom will play for the House. Kiku and Haru have invited me to attend with them. I believe I shall go.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 13.

 I decided to join the rest of the House for the midday meal earlier today. I had forgotten how loud the clamour of a Household eating together is. It felt deafening and overwhelming. I tried to concentrate on the music coming from the corner of the Hall but it was very difficult to filter out the chatter and the clattering of crockery. I realised that this is how Yuika feels every time she sets foot in the Hall and I felt another pang of guilt at how I have left things. 

Once I had finished eating, I returned to my room and wrote to her at length. I did not go into great detail but I explained that the time had come for me to do as Father suggested and go to Purple Lightning. I also let her know that Kaede would be a friend to her and that she can consider Silent Thunder an ally. That may be precipitous and somewhat presumptuous of me but I am sure that if Fallen Sakura makes good on his promise to take Dying Crane, Kaede will not stand idly by. I have not sent it yet. Haru will find out when a messenger can be spared to make the journey to Dying Crane and it can go then. I do not how Yuika will respond to it; I suppose that depends on her mood when she receives it. In any case, there is little point in concerning myself with that now. I will worry about it when it happens.

I felt restless after I had sealed it; unsettled, although I could not say why. I decided to take a turn around the gardens in the hope that it would calm me. Haru was not at all happy about having to go outside in what she called 'freezing conditions'. I had to smile at that and when she asked me what was so funny, I reminded her that it rarely even snows in the Middle Kingdom. After two thirds of a stick, I had to admit that it was significantly colder than I had anticipated and resorted to an extra wrap. I refused to go in though. I was no defeated by having to sleep outside in the pouring rain or by worse so the gods may damn me if I am to be brought down by a cold snap!

I returned to the House in time for the evening meal and the Hall felt far less hostile than it had earlier. I enjoyed the music and the conversation. I had the chance to speak to some of Kaede's cousins which was pleasant. I knew of them, of course, but as I recall, I may only have met Kiku once and I had never spoken to Hikari before. The conversation was bland and inconsequential but from it I gathered that half the women in the House swoon over Sasanuma and almost everyone is waiting for the announcement of a wedding. How interesting. Do they not know their cousin at all? In the short time since I have become reacquainted with Kaede, it has become obvious to me that she has no designs on actually marrying him. Even if she did, would he desire it? I am not so sure. I will watch with interest.

I must note, again, that I have seen no birds. I must try to find out why. Perhaps I can get a note to Aoki when I send the letter to Yuika.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 12.

 I have decided that fatigue or not, I must start returning to something resembling normal life. I cannot stay confined to my bed indefinitely. It reminds me too much of being a 'guest' at Mother's pleasure. No. I will not lie around any longer. I took a turn around the grounds earlier today; the House is vibrant with preparations for the winter solstice. Since winter in Pale Twilight is not as long, as cold or as dark as it is further north, it has never been much of an event. Our stark, ritual prayer services and toast to the gods as thanks for their generosity during the year past is about as celebratory as it gets. 

Here, the House seamstresses are frantic in the rush to create clothing and drapery for the occasion. The waft of warm spices for dried fruits wafts from the kitchens all over the House and the gardeners have started to build a bamboo structure from which I am told they will light fire flowers at the precise hour the day turns. The entire House is alive with excitment for the coming festivities and it is infectious. What a wonderful way to see out the darker months and welcome the longer, lighter days. I find myself looking forward to it with the same joyful anticipation as everyone else. 

Kaede has instructed her personal seamstress to make me a new gown for the occasion. I tried to demur. She has already been too generous and what use have I for a gown I will not be able to take with me when I leave? Kaede laughed and said she would not have a member of her House looking shabby for Solstice. A member of her House... That made me feel warm. The gown in question is to be cream with gold embroidery over it; there will be an under dress of a deep orange and a sash to match. Kaede chose it and when I asked for something plainer, she told me that my sense of dress is lacking and I should accept her better judgment. There did not seem to be any point in arguing. I am to have a white fox fur wrap to wear over it. 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 10.

Kaede invited me to take tea with her yesterday. I had been itching to leave the confines of my chamber so I agreed immediately. It was a bright, crisp day and I enjoyed the short walk to the tea house. Haru fretted about me over-exerting myself but I told her that I must start to walk around if I am ever to return to full health. I did not think Kaede would mind if I wore something informal so I chose a light cotton in grey with a basic orange sash rather than the heavy silks such a meeting would usually require. When I arrived at the tea house, Kaede was already there and I saw a plate of some sweets I used to enjoy when I was a child. I wondered idly if she had remembered that or if it had just been a coincidence; it did not seem important enough to ask her about them but I wondered just the same.

We talked for a while and I appreciated the depth of flavour in the tea. Kaede told me that some of her brewers have been experimenting recently. Apparently, they wish to create a sort of signature blend for the House. It was all very interesting but I felt awkward. Knowing that I am dependent on Kaede's hospitality while I contribute nothing is making me feel increasingly ill at ease especially in light of what has happened. I suppose Kaede must have noticed my discomfort because after about half a stick, she asked me if I was unwell. I did not really wish to tell her how I was feeling but I also did not want to lie to her so I found myself blurting out the truth and finished by telling her that I felt I should leave or she should give me a job.

A job! As if wrangling Dying Crane's idiotic Diplomats could have prepared me in any way for a House the size of Silent Thunder... To Kaede's credit, she actually chuckled softly before reminding me sternly that I am her guest. She said that my pride should not prevent me from accepting help when it is needed and that there may come a time when she is need of my help and she knew I would give it. It did not really make me feel better about things but I could hardly abuse her hospitality further so I smiled at her and agreed.

She asked me whether the Clerk had been any help and we discussed what he had told me for a while. Kaede also wondered whether some sort of incident had caused Father's change in behaviour and we talked over the possibility of finding out what it might have been. Kaede concluded that the answer is likely in Purple Lightning's libraries and said I would just have to wait. I caught the faintest of smirks as she said that. Beneath the poise, she certainly has a sense of humour; I agreed to wait until after the winter solstic to resume my travels but begged her again to consider giving me something to do while I enjoy her hospitality. She said she would think on it and sipped her tea in a way that gave me the distinct impression she will do no such thing.

It stuck in my throat to have to admit that Haru was correct but I felt as though I carried a bushel of rice as I walked back to my chamber. By the time I slid the door open, I could barely lift my own arm and I took to my bed without protest. 

I managed to read a little from one of the scrolls I borrowed this morning but it was not long before fatigue washed over me and I was forced to set it aside. I may have to accept that my recovery could be far longer than I would like...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 8.

When I went to meet with the Clerk earlier, he had arranged for some tea. I thanked him for his thoughtfulness and sipped with pleasure as he told me more tales of Father's youth. 

Before he married Mother, it seems he was very social and spent as much time at the homes of his friends as he did at the House. He was carefree and popular about the Kingdom but a year or two after he married, he stopped visiting other Houses except for Diplomatic Talks. The Clerk had not seen Father since before I was born. All of that is very curious. I cannot imagine Father as a fun-loving gad about but can that have anything to do with the secrets he sent me to find at Purple Lightning...? Perhaps it is connected, perhaps it is coincidental but I do not think the Clerk knows any more than he is telling.

I wondered if Mother, too, had been so very different in her youth and I asked the Clerk what he remembered of her. He did not know her well but he said she was reserved and polite. It was of little help but I was grateful to him for spending the time.

I realised earlier today that I have not recieved a bird since I parted company with Aoki. I do not know if that is because the birds cannot find me after all or if there has just been no news of note. Now that I have no contact in Dying Crane, I have no idea how Yuika fares. I wonder if Kaede can find out for me. I regret leaving Yuika with the impression I would return and I must let her know that my plans do not include going back ... 

 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 7.

 Haru decided that I could be permitted to make a short visit to the library earlier today. I could consult the Clerk of the Chronicles but only for a stick at the most, she said. How the tables have turned; now I am taking orders from my maids. I am quite well enough to appreciate the irony of this but I am not silly enough to ignore her advice. I want to get well as soon as possible and over-exerting myself will not serve me in this. 

The Clerk was surprisingly helpful. An ancient man whose owlish looks are fitting for his station; I was astonished to find him not dressed in Silent Thunder livery but in the robes of a monk with a swathe of umber cloth wrapped around his torso and over his head which served only to make him look more bird-like. He really must be as old as the hills themselves because he remembers Father as a young man. He spent much of the stick I spent with him remeniscing about Father of whom he spoke very fondly. I felt touched by that. Mostly, people speak with deference or a cold sort of detachment when they talk about a Ruler. I suppose very few people can count one of us as a friend or even a close acquaintance, so it was lovely to hear someone talk about Father as a person with real feelings and friendships. 

The Clerk told me that Father was very close to the Golden Harvests when he was a boy and had hoped to marry Lady Iyo but Grandfather had decided that Laughing Spider would be a more useful ally. That... was a shock. Father always told me that he and Mother were a love match. To hear that their marriage was not only arranged, but not desired has given a rather different perspective on their relationship. I wonder whether Iyo wanted to marry Yuuta or whether her parents forced her to do so. They always seemed happy enough together whenever I saw them but as I have learnt the hard way, no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. I suppose I could ask Keita if I had a bird with which to send a message but I have more important mysteries to solve. 

Regarding a connection between Pale Twilight and Purple Lightning, the Clerk said he could not think of anything but would think on it. I am to return to the library at the same hour tomorrow and he will tell me what he has found. 

Haru tells me that I am not well enough to take my meals in the Hall but I shall be permitted to eat at the table in my chamber rather than in bed for the next few days which is a blessed relief. I shall tidy my papers away for now so that I may use the table...