Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 25.

This is the first time in a few days that I have felt able to do anything other than sleep or stare at my walls; I have been told that I had a bad reaction to the herbs I took. It is not common and other women who have experienced the same, have not survived. I do not know how I did... 

When I woke, the court physician attended me rather than the midwife. He offered no sympathy and delivered the news that I will not be able to bear children as if he were discussing the weather. I shall say no more about it. I find that I have reached the limits of the truth I wish to tell in these pages other than to note that I feel wretched and disgusted with myself...

 I think ... I am going... to d  i e...

 This is agony... I...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 21.

Haru found me a midwife who confirmed that I am with child.  It can only be Yuuta's child. I have felt violently sick since she told me the news; the idea of that man's spawn growing and writhing inside me until I am forced to give birth is revolting... I retch just writing those words on a page. If it were almost anyone else's child, I could, perhaps, bear the thought of becoming a mother... it might not have been so bad... an opportunity to do better than my own mother... but my skin crawls at the thought of it. 

This... has been a painful day of retrospection... I have had to think long and hard about my situation and accept many difficult truths... I tried to think about a baby, separate it from its father... my child... not his... but what have I to offer a child now...? No home of my own, reliant on the kindness of others for even the most basic survival... kindness which I do not deserve... which I would repay with another mouth to feed...  And then there is Kaede... Whatever my choice, I feel as though I am spitting in the face of her generosity... 

I say 'whatever my choice'... I have already made it... I am deluding myself if I try to persuade myself otherwise. The feeling of nausea only worsens and I know, deep inside, that I cannot have his child... I cannot. 

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 20. Postscript.

 Haru returned shortly after I had finished breakfast to dress me in orange silks with a purple chrysanthemum print and a silver sash. I was surprised at how fetching it looked given that I usually prefer plain fabrics; she finished the look with a bird-shaped, jewelled pin in my hair. It appears that Kaede was not joking about taking my dress sense in hand... 

Haru took a step back as if admiring her work and nodded in satisfaction. "You look... tremendous, Lady Pale Twilight..." I allowed myself a slight smile - not at the compliment but because I had taught her the word 'tremendous' and she looked so pleased with herself for using it... I laughed at that and reminded her that I was perfectly happy for her to call me Seira... Haru pursed her lips and told me that The Lady Silent Thunder would not be at all happy to hear her using the given name of honoured guests. I acquiesced but suggested that we agree on 'Lady Seira' at least. There would no be impropriety about that if Haru is to intents and purposes, my Lady's maid while I am here. Before Haru had helped me put on my shoes, I asked her if she could help me with my... problem; she told me that she would and then escorted me to meet Kaede in her private sitting room. 

Kaede was ready to serve tea and as she whisked the bitter liquid with a perfect turn of her wrist, I was struck again by how very elegant she is. Is it innate or has she learned this...? Yuika is the same way; it is as if they were born with Hospitality in their veins whereas I can barely manage to kneel at the table without looking as if I am some sort of sack... It was strange; we have known each other for many years but sitting there in her drawing room, I felt as if we had just met. I suppose it is not surprising; we have both changed a great deal in the time since we last saw each other... I hope we can become great friends; I do not like many people but I believe that I like Kaede very much and it would be nice to think that she could like me, even just a little bit.

 We had been talking for about half a stick when we were interrupted by Sasanuma's arrival. I should really address him as Lord Sasanuma; his family hailed from Shimmering Dawn but many, many generations ago, so the story goes, one of his forefathers fell in love with a girl from Silent Thunder and moved here to start a family. In an astonishing act of bravery, he saved the life of The Ruling Lord and was honoured with a title for his efforts; that led to a friendship with The Lord Silent Thunder and Sasanumas have acted as advisors and aides to Silent Thunder ever since. The current Lord Sasanuma was, I am told, a very close friend of Kaede's father.

He looked at me with the hint of a smirk and said he was glad Her Ladyship had sent me a decent hairdresser before smiling broadly and honouring me with a deep bow of greeting. Why is it that all and sundry seem obsessed by my hair; I have been so much more comfortable since I cut it off... it seems to me that they ought to try it before they mock it! Once the pleasantries were over, he insisted on pouring more tea and then knelt next to Kaede, still smiling.  I can see why Kaede is attracted to him; he has an extremely pleasant face; the faintest of stubble covers his jawline and crows' feet crinkle around his dark eyes whenever he smiles, which is often. His hair is thick and makes a fetching topknot despite being shot through with grey and he exudes a confident, capable, competence which makes one feel safe in his presence.

Every now and then, perhaps when he thought I would not notice, I caught him looking at her and it is absolutely clear that he is utterly besotted. I felt the tiniest pang of jealousy; how wonderful it would be to have someone in my life who looked at me that way... or at whom I would want to look at in that way... Despite the jealousy, I am so pleased for Kaede... for both of them... She deserves some happiness..

A stick or two later, after we had exhausted the usual pleasantries, I brought up the question of Rani. I cannot shake the feeling that she is up to something dreadful although I have very little upon which to base that feeling. Kaede does not disagree but I sensed that there were things she and Sasanuma had decided they would not say...  It seems that no one can decide whether she is actually a princess of the Sixth and has been sent on behalf of the King and Queen or ... if she is a complete imposter. They have sent messages to the other Houses in an attempt to warn them but it is too early to have had any responses and so we are at an impasse...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 20.

Clearly, the gods have decided that my period of grace and favour is over... My dreams brought me nothing but the sickening realisation that my monthly cycle is late. I had been so preoccupied with being on the road and then my arrival here that I had not even thought about that... Given that it is usually as reliable as the turn of the seasons, it seems more than likely that I am with child... Of course, my natural inclination is to begin planning but I really must have it confirmed before I do anything drastic. Perhaps Haru will do me one last favour and find me someone discreet...

I discovered when she brought a tray of breakfast in earlier, that at Kaede's behest, it is Haru who has been waiting upon me.  She says she is well, that Kaede does not know of our relationship and that she has been given the lightest of duties until she recovers from the trauma of her stay with the bandits. I am glad about that; I hated to think that she was suffering further on my account. She will return shortly to dress me and then I will ask for her help a final time... Once I am dressed, I will take tea with Kaede ...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 19.

 In the relatively short time since I left Dying Crane, it seems that I had forgotten what true comfort feels like. On a mattress which must be made from the very clouds, I slept for sticks on end and woke feeling properly rested for the first time in a long while. Someone had left a tray of food on the writing table at the other end of the room; fragrant threads of steam wafting from the tea cup told me that it had not been there long and I only felt a little guilt at taking it back to the bed with me. Enveloped in a comforter of the finest down, I savoured the thick wheat noodles and broth, and when I had finished the tea, I went back to sleep. As I write that, I feel a pang of guilt for Haru, who despite having shared my troubles these past days, has presumably had to go straight back to work... I will seek her out in a while and ensure that she is well. 

When I woke again, I saw that someone had laid out fresh clothes for me and placed a jug of hot water, a bowl and a towel on the same table where the breakfast tray had been. As I washed myself and got dressed, I felt a lump forming in my throat as I became teary at Kaede's kindness and the care she was taking over me even though her own heart must have been broken. I opened the shutters to let in the pale winter sunlight and took my time exploring the room; I found a suitable place to hide my papers and was admiring a woodblock print which hung on one of the walls, when Kaede arrived to suggest a turn around her gardens. 

I thanked her profusely for her kindness and with her usual grace, she told me I should think nothing of it. Smiling wryly, she also told me that my hair made me look like an urchin and needed to be "seen to" as a matter of urgency. I could think of many things which were urgent and my hair was not among them but who was I to be disdainful in the face of such charity...? We had another discussion about Rani's motives as we walked and neither of us has had any inspiration in the time since we last talked. I wondered aloud if Sasanuma might have better luck getting the truth out of Rani but Kaede is reluctant to involve him directly, preferring him to work from the shadows so as not to give Rani any more information than she already has.

Twilight forced us indoors and when I returned to my room, I found yet another set of clothes (this one fit for the Banquet Hall) and a maid armed with an array of cosmetics and a pair of scissors which seemed far too large. Old enough to be my grandmother and as stout as a hay bale with a look on her face that said she clearly had orders not to listen to any objections I might have, the woman bade me sit and I did exactly as I was told.

When she was finished, I did not recognise myself. My hair sat just below my jaw line, sleek and shining, parted at the side and held off my face with a red floral pin; the ends had been trimmed to create a perfect line. I did manage to convince the maid that the white cosmetic cream would have a detrimental effect on my skin but she insisted on paying great attention to painting my eyelids with a shimmering red powder to compliment the hair pin, lining them with kohl swept up at the edges and when I looked into the glass, I almost felt pretty... 

I felt it would be better not to draw Rani's attention to the fact that I am here so I took a space at a table at the far end of the Hall and having enjoyed a wonderful evening of food and music, when the incense burned low, I retired. There is much to think on... I would really prefer to be on my way and resume my journey to Purple Lightning as quickly as I can but I also want to find a way to repay Kaede's kindness. Perhaps my dreams will bring me the answers I seek...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 18.

It appears that I am not nearly as good at sneaking around as I had believed. 

In the absence of anything better to do while I waited for Haru's return, I had decided to compose a note to Kouji apprising him of my whereabouts and my current plan for arrival at the border of Purple Lightning.  As I was signing off, I heard the door creak and turned to greet Haru only to find the words stolen from my mouth before I could voice them. It was not Haru at the door but Kaede herself. I felt my mouth working but heard absolutely nothing coming out of it; my cheeks flamed scarlet with the embarrassment of being caught where I should not be, dressed in Silent Thunder servants' livery no less. As I scrambled about for something sensible to say, I heard Kaede break the silence "You know, I almost did not recognise you with that... hair..." she gestured at my ragged mop and my hand moved to tuck it behind my ear defensively. A minute smile curved her lips ever so slightly as she watched my evident discomfort. 

After what seemed like sticks on end, I managed to compose myself enough to sink to the floor and bow a greeting. Contemporaries we may be, but since she rules her House and I am not even the heir to mine, due deference must shown. I hesitated to get up but I felt her hand on my shoulder "Oh Seira, there is no need for all of that... Please, get up..." Still red-faced, I brought myself up to kneel and muttered "MiLady..." That merited a raised eyebrow from Kaede who sat on Haru's bed and patted the space next to her telling me to come and sit with her... it transpired that she spotted me lurking and did some snooping of her own; it apparently did not take her very long at all to discover my whereabouts although the gods have seen fit to intervene for she is under the impression that Haru found me on her way home and took pity on me, agreeing to hide me for a day or two... The existence of my network remains secret... for now... 

Kaede suggested that I join her for some supper and escorted me to her own chambers where we ate and talked long into the night. I was guarded, unsure how far I could really trust her but when she asked me if I thought so little of our friendship that I could not come to her for help, I felt something inside me break and once I had started crying, I found that I could not stop. 

Kaede wrapped me in her arms as if I were her child and rested her chin on my head until I was spent. She said I am welcome to stay as long as I like; if I wish to become a member of her Household I may. When I asked her why, I was shocked to hear her tell me that she had never cared for my mother. "We all saw how she treated you. We all saw the bruises you tried so hard to hide" she said "I was powerless to do anything about it when we were children but I am not powerless now, so if you wish to remain here ... or return to Dying Crane... I will help you..." She also told me that her own mother had tried to intervene several times but her words had only resulted in my Mother becoming resentful and even angrier. I could not say anything at all and swallowed hard to push down the lump in my throat, looking at her with wide eyes which prickled with fresh tears.

In the course of our conversation, Kaede also told me about the nature of her relationship with Sasanuma. She seemed to glow when she spoke of him; I have no doubt that she is deeply in love with him despite what she says about her misgivings and when she told me that she had given birth to a stillborn son, I wept again.

Dawn broke and still we talked, eventually turning our thoughts to Rani. It seems that I could learn some lessons about spycraft from Sasanuma; when hearing about my suspicions, Kaede told me that I was right. She and Sasanuma had one of Rani's spies in their custody and they were convinced that Rani was no princess of the Sixth. What they have not found out, is who Rani really is...

Kaede has no idea what I can expect to find at Purple Lightning but she says that she will send me there under her banner when I go. I cannot explain how it feels to have a genuine ally. Perhaps I will simply note that I feel overwhelmed and leave it at that. 

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 17.

 I decided that I could not bear to be cooped up in Haru's room for another stick and despite my intention to remain out of sight, I took a turn around the castle earlier. It has been a long time since I was at Silent Thunder and I had forgotten how refined Kaede's taste is. No matter where one is, there is a sense of careful curation to the height of elegance; she favours simplicity over the current tastes for clutter and fuss, embracing the ancient aesthetics of brushed gold and cream against darkened wood over more modern trends for vibrant splashes of colour with bold patterns anywhere one can put them. 

Every room has an exquisite floral arrangement, also in the styles of our ancestors. I noted a particular arrangement in the Banquet Hall which actually took my breath away momentarily; in a shallow, round bowl sat a stem of the thinnest bamboo I believe I have ever seen, and entwined around it, three pristine, cream orchids. There was nothing remarkable about three orchids, or indeed a stem of bamboo and it is not as if I have never seen a floral arrangement before but... it seemed to me at that moment to represent some sort of ... perfection... it commanded my attention, almost demanding that I worship it. I am not usually given to florid, lengthy descriptions, preferring to note the facts, but that arrangement was somehow worthy of better than a what amounts to a footnote... 

Despite Kaede's love of simplicity, I was surprised to see that the women of Silent Thunder have yet to eschew the fashion for painting one's face white and blackening the teeth. Yuika may have some strange ideas but refusing to plaster grease all over her face daily was not one of them; why anyone continues to do so baffles me but despite my revulsion for the practice, Kaede looks as beautiful as she ever did... I caught sight of her, very briefly, as she went into the Banquet Hall for the midday meal. Clad in House silks of the deepest purple with a sash of muted gold, her hair swept up in an elaborate series of twists held together by pins topped with metal flowers and crystal beads, she looked exquisite; confident and comfortable in her own skin; clearly, Sasanuma is doing her no end of good. She did not, however, look even remotely pregnant... even were she hiding it, by this stage, surely it would be evident. I wonder if my intelligence was wrong... of course it is none of my business but I do want to know!

I returned to Haru's room to find that she had left me some food and after all of those hurried meals on the road, the bowl of the Kingdom's finest rice paired with squid and a casserole of various mushrooms seemed by far the tastiest meal I have ever eaten. She will return again soon, no doubt and then I will ask her to pack me some supplies so that I can leave; I must keep at least one of the promises I have made...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 16. Postscript.

 I am feeling much better now that I have had a few sticks' sleep. Haru returned a little while ago with some food for me. She also took me to the bath house and stood watch so that I could bathe in peace. How wonderful that water felt... I did not feel that I could luxuriate in it as I would have wished; it would not have been fair to Haru and while I genuinely do not think Kaede would mind my presence here, I am not ready for news of my whereabouts to reach Pale Twilight; I believe Mother would have me dragged back by my hair if she discovered where I am. 

Silent Thunder is extremely busy with the visitors; I am curious to know what Kaede makes of Rani but unless Haru can be persuaded to help me further, I doubt I shall find out. I have also resigned myself to not finding out the true nature of Kaede's relationship with Sasanuma. I had the idea to dress myself as a servant of the House so that I could snoop but Haru pointed out that if anyone asked me where I was supposed to be or assigned me a task, it would be less than a fraction of a stick before it became obvious that I was neither a servant nor of the House. She is right, of course; I must also be mindful of my promise to her and be on my way as quickly as possible but oh, how I wish I could spend a few more days here...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 16.

 It is with great relief that I can finally record that we have arrived at the House. I am exhausted and will record a fuller account of things once I have rested. We had no difficulty gaining entry to the House; we simply went round to the back of the main building and used the servants' entrance. Haru showed me to her room and then went to announce her return. It has been about half a stick since she left me here but even had I the energy for wandering about the House, I think it wise to remain where I am rather than be discovered. I will end this here for now and get some rest.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 14.

We are another day closer to the House; we have stopped to rest briefly but we have decided that we will continue our habit of not stopping unless it is absolutely necessary. Haru is in much better spirits today; she has even cracked a few jokes as we have made our way across the open fields which are typical of this region. 

Even though it has been but a day or two since we left the shelter of the woodland, it seems like a lifetime ago and the wall of trees is barely even visible in the distance behind us. I am glad we have not found ourselves here in the middle of the summer months for we should surely have perished long before we had made it this far. We have enough water to last until we arrive at the House if we are careful and we have plenty of food thanks to the small-holders.  Since there is little shelter along this route, neither of us is keen to spend a night out here without even a tree or two behind which we could hide. If I am honest, neither of us is keen to spend another night outside with or without a tree or two; I believe we have both simply had enough now...

I ache in places I did not know I had, my hair and skin feel horrible; both are dry and my skin in particular has the strangest texture, almost like an aged parchment. I do not like it at all. How I long for the warm embrace of a hot, scented bath. It has not been a terribly long time since I left Dying Crane but somehow, now, it seems a short lifetime ago. This journey has not transpired as I imagined it would and I am beginning to doubt that I could truly enjoy the life of an adventurer... Regardless, I must press on and return Haru to her home. We must eat and then be back on our way...