Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 28.

I had no desire to write more in these pages but since rising from my bed for even a short time results in immense fatigue, I thought that at least these pages would keep my mind occupied. Earlier today, I spent a while reading through what I have recorded, and I see that much of what I have noted is chaotic and not at all objective. Perhaps when I feel stronger, I will address that and present my observations in a manner more suited to the historical archive I had intended these pages to be.

Reading about what I have experienced since I left home has given me a lot to think on. I feel ashamed for not thinking of Father more often. I cannot imagine that Mother and Taiji would be able to hide his death from the Kingdom and so I take comfort in believing him to be alive, if not well. I am resolved to go to Purple Lightning as soon as I am able. If what I discover there can, in any way, assist me in saving Father from the vice-like grip Mother has on him, then I must take the greatest of pains to ensure I get there and have the House reveal its secrets.

Winter has set in and while the Middle Kingdom does not experience the immense snow drifts of the North, it is much chillier than it is in the South at this time of year. There is a definite frost in the mornings and one cannot go outside without a fur wrap. Haru tells me that it will get a little colder yet but it rarely snows. I am glad of this; it would make travel very difficult. 

I have not seen the physician since our last encounter but Haru says that I look somewhat better than I did when she discovered me lying waxy and unnaturally pale in a pool of my own blood. She says she thought I had been murdered when she first came upon me and believed me to be quite dead. Unfortunately, her screams brought my plight to Kaede's attention so now she knows what I did; it was Kaede who sent the midwife away and insisted the physician do his utmost to save my life. I did not want her to find out. Even I am not so devoid of feelings that I would want a woman who grieves the loss of her child so deeply to know that I did not want the child growing inside me at all. 

I have refused to see her.  I know that I am behaving abominably. I know that I must see her. She has done everything for me but I feel so deeply ashamed. I cannot face her. I cannot look into her eyes for fear of what I will see in them. Pity, no doubt, which I do not deserve...