Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 15.

 I felt I probably ought to tell Suzuki personally that I am leaving tomorrow but of course, he already knew. I thanked him for his tuition and to my surprise, he told me that I should keep practising. If I work on my fitness some more, he thinks I show the potential to be half decent with a sword. I was not expecting that and it made me feel strangely proud. I am almost sorry to be moving on but I am sure I can find someone to continue my lessons in the future if I decide that is what I want to do.

When I woke this morning, I thought perhaps I had drunk too much and had over-thought the reactions in the Hall last evening so when training was over and I had bathed and dressed, I went to see Hikari, Kiku and some of the other women whose company I have enjoyed these past few weeks to say my goodbyes. I had been thinking that some token of gratitude for the way they had welcomed me to the House would be nice and at the Solstice, I had bought some little hair pins made from shells which I thought would look pretty in their newly short hair. When I found them in the gardens though, they could barely bring themselves to meet my gaze and their reactions to my small gifts were so glacially polite that it stung deeply.

I do not know what I have done to offend them and I do not feel that I can ask. Perhaps it is as well I am leaving and will not have time to dwell on being frozen out. 

Once I had gathered the few things I brought with me to Silent Thunder, I went to take tea with Kaede. She had little to say on the matter and suggested that I had imagined it. Hikari in particular had grown very fond of me, she said. That is not my interpretation of facts, to be sure but she would not be drawn further on the subject and I have come to know when it is worth pressing a matter with her and when it is not. It was not.

Kaede gave me the letter she said she would give me and to my humiliation, she also handed me a large pouch full of coin. Naturally, I told her I could not accept it but I will admit in these pages that I am secretly glad that she insisted. The funds I carried with me when I left Dying Crane have run extremely low and although I am now in a tearing hurry to reach Purple Lighting, the soldiers and Haru will need to sleep properly if they are to do their jobs, so we will be stopping at an inn each night. The coin will pay for that and ensure that we arrive in a fit state rather than looking like some ragtag group of bandits. 

Interestingly, Kaede has sealed the letter so I cannot read it. Well, I could but it would be obvious that the seal was broken so I will not. I wondered why she had done that; surely there was nothing secret that she wished to say to Tsuyoshi and Ichiko on my behalf? It occurs to me now that if she had not sealed it, they may not believe that Kaede sent it so I must make sure the seal stays in tact.

There was much I wished to say to Kaede. I wanted to throw myself at her feet and thank her most profusely for looking after me when she did not have to. I also wanted to ask her about Sasanuma and his strange behaviour but I did not. Instead I promised that once I had resolved matters at Purple Lightning, if there was ever any service I could do her, I would do it. Without question. A rash promise to make in some ways, but I believe Kaede can be trusted not to ask anything of me that I could not give. She said she hoped I would come back; that there would be a home at Silent Thunder if that is what I wanted. 

I thanked her again and then went to the bath house before I returned to my chamber to have my hair and nails tidied up before my journey. 

The entertainment in the Hall this evening will be the House musicians so I plan to excuse myself as soon as I have eaten so that I can enjoy a good night's sleep; tomorrow promises to be long and fairly arduous. I am concerned that I am unfit and have not made a good decision by refusing to travel by palanquin but I cannot spend any longer than absolutely necessary on the road. By horse we can expect to take at least two sevendays; a palanquin would add at least another. It is out of the question.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 14. Postscript.

 The bard board me to tears this evening which was unfortunate because my mind wandered around the Hall dwelling on all manner of nonsense which largely, does not even make sense. 

By the time he had delivered three stanzas of his epic poem "An ode to the Lady of the House of Silent Thunder" (yes, really.), I had come to some extremely ludicrous conclusions and had even convinced myself that the chef was out to poison me. I have since discovered that everyone's rice tasted strange because the kitchen boy had accidentally dropped a jar of cloves in it and rather than start again, the chef had thought he could get away with simply straining it and serving it as it was.

How he thought no one would notice, I cannot say. Kaede was singularly unimpressed and got rather cross indeed. I have not seen her become even a little bit annoyed over anything trivial since I arrived here so seeing her in a snit about the rice was at once amusing and concerning. She stopped short of demanding that the kitchen send up fresh rice for the entire Hall but I really did think she was about to have a tantrum to rival one of Yuika's. I do not think it was the rice that was really bothering her.

As I looked around the Hall, I noticed a few of the women look away when my eyes met theirs which I found surprising and a little hurtful. I thought I had made some friends here but they could not even bring themselves to return my smile. Now I know I am missing something. I must focus on what is important. In two days, I will be leaving them all to their own devices and I am fine with never knowing what is going on. But I am not fine. It will pain me deeply not to know everything. It is all so annoying.

News reached us today of some sort of contagion at White Lake. Apparently several members of the White Lake inner circle have succumbed. Not that I am fond of anyone at that House but if it spreads, we shall all be in trouble. I wonder if that has anyone to do with why Kaede is quite so rattled. Perhaps she thinks it will come to Silent Thunder...

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 14.

 This morning was colder than it has been for the past few days and I did not enjoy dragging myself out of bed at all. I was concentrating so hard on the form we were practising that I almost did not notice that someone was observing from a window on the second floor of the House. Almost... A slight movement in my peripheral vision made me glance about and just as he moved out of view, I saw Sasanuma. I had decided not to dwell on him and his antics but now of course, I cannot help but wonder if I was right to be suspicious.

If he had been observing out of mere curiosity or perhaps wanting to check on what his man was up to, why hide? No, not hide, skulk. Yes, that is the only word for it. Skulk. Deliberately lurking in the shadows to avoid being seen. Except I did see. I did see and I can be fairly certain that he knows I saw. Kaede is his lover and Suzuki works for him so why the secrecy? He could simply stride out onto the training ground and openly observe if he so wished. But instead, he chose to watch us from somewhere he thought he would not be seen ... why?

I wonder if he was up there at Kaede's behest but if that were the case, again, why? Why would she ask him to spy on a group of women learning how to use a sword when she is down there with us? Unless she has seen something which concerns her but what could that possibly be? Surely I would have noticed if there were something amiss? Perhaps I am not nearly as observant as I like to believe ... another thought occurs to me which is that I do not know how many days Sasanuma has been up there watching... Today may have been the first or he may have been up there since we began but surely I would have seen him before now, surely?

I must stop this. It is not helpful. I am starting to sound as paranoid as Yuika... but what if Kaede is in danger from him after all? What if, there is something huge I just cannot see and he is as bad as Shigeru or worse, even? No. I must stop. I must stop interfering. I did not help Yuika and I cannot help Kaede. I must focus on my goal and get ready to travel to Purple Lightning. I feel excited that within but a few sevendays I might finally have an answer to my questions. 

There will be a bard in the Hall this evening and tomorrow the acrobats will be back. On my final evening here by a divine coincidence, a troupe of fire breathers will perform in the courtyard; I imagine I will enjoy that a great deal. I used to love watching such shows when I was younger. Of course then, I genuinely believed that they were eating the fire and actually breathing it out as if they were dragons. It was such a treat to see them. We would be given little paper pouches of candied fruit pieces and nuts to eat while they danced around all but naked and performed tricks with fire. What a wonderful way to end my stay here that will be.

It is a few sticks before the evening meal so I think I will take a walk around the House and see Hikari and Kiku for a while and then I will see if someone will trim my hair; it is getting to my shoulders now and I do not like it.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 13.

 The walk in the garden yesterday afternoon was exactly what I needed to clear my mind and I believe I have conceived a plan of action. The first thing to do when I arrive at the House will be to find anyone who knows Father or Mother. I will discern whether they are friend or foe and then I will try to gain as much information in the form of gossip as I can about Mother's youth and about their marriage in the early days. That should give me some sort of insight and tell me whether my instinct about Mother's change of personality is correct or not. If it is, I may find more information on the subject simply by asking. If my instinct is wrong, I shall have to think of some other tack. 

I feel less anxious now that I have decided upon at least the start of a plan and so I shall  simply focus on enjoying my final few days at Silent Thunder and spend as much time with Kaede as she has time for before I leave. It may be a long while before I see her again and I do so want her to think of me as a friend... 

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 12.

This morning I managed to complete the form while wielding the sword. I cannot lie; I impressed myself. It still felt uncommonly heavy and I was slow but I did it. Even Suzuki grudgingly gave me the slightest of smiles. I still cannot abide the sprinting exercises he has been making us do but perhaps they have actually worked their magic and I am fitter than I ever have been. Not that it matters of course because in a matter of days, I will be on my way.

I spoke to Haru about her attitude this morning and my suspicions were correct; she is concerned about her activities on my behalf being discovered. I am somewhat baffled by this as she has been assigned to me since I arrived at Silent Thunder. It seems to me that she would be a natural choice on Kaede's behalf and that choosing someone else would look far more suspicious... I told her that there was no cause for concern, that she would be free to return to Silent Thunder as soon as she liked after we had arrived at Purple Lightning. 

The only ones who know about my network are we two, and it is certainly not in my interests to tell anyone about her involvement. Besides, since she is no longer a part of my network, if anyone ever did find out, she could always say that I had pressured her into it for a short while before she had stood up to me and refused to continue. That is not far short of the truth, anyway.

Haru seemed vaguely soothed by that but I cannot help but think that something else is bothering her. Something which will cause me problems at some point in the future. I have decided, though, that the future is exactly when I will concern myself with whatever it is. I do not have time to worry about it now. I must focus my efforts on gathering those things I cannot do without and ensuring that I do not leave anything incriminating behind. 

I was thinking about Purple Lightning earlier this morning and it has been such a long time since I was there, I can only vaguely remember what it was like. I do not know Tsuyoshi and Ichiko very well at all; I really shall have to remember my manners while I am there. It will not be like spending time with friends and I shall have to be much more formal than I have been around Kaede or Yuika. Perhaps I should ask Kaede for some advice; I should certainly ask her to teach me how to offer due deference properly, especially given the mess I made of offering it to her. 

Kaede has said that she will give me a letter for them in which she will explain the situation so that I do not have to. That is kind. I must admit that the thought of having to explain all of this to people I do not even really know, has made me just a little bit anxious. At least now, they can just read the letter and then they may choose to help me or ask me to leave. It had not really occurred to me until the other day that they might have their own reasons to keep secrets and that me turning up might not be desirable for them but I have come too far. I will not give up now. Even if they throw me out, at least I will  be on their Lands and I will find a way to get into that library somehow. 

I cannot let this opportunity go. I still have not managed to formulate a plan for finding what I seek. How can one find something when one does not even know what it is? I must try and think of some way to narrow down my field of interest, to think about where to start. I asked Kaede what she knew about Purple Lightning but although they are not enemies, she does not view them as close allies, either. She told me that her parents were on their way home from Talks at Purple Lightning when their convoy was attacked. I did not know that. I mean I knew they had died in an attack by bandits on their convoy but I did not know where they were. 

I feel terrible now, that I have spent most of my time at Silent Thunder babbling on about Purple Lightning when to Kaede, it is the place her parents died. Small wonder she does not want to maintain relations; it must bring back horrid memories. 

Regardless of that, I must try and think sensibly about how to approach this task. I do not have any idea how long Tsuyoshi and Ichiko will let me stay, if they agree to it at all, so time is of the essence. At this moment, I have no ideas at all and that frustrates me. Perhaps a walk in the gardens will bring some sort of inspiration.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 11.

 Haru smacked me "accidentally" with the flat side of her sword when we were training this morning. I gather that Kaede has told her about my plan to go to Purple Lightning and suggested that Haru accompany me. Haru is not at all happy about it. 

She would never say that to Kaede, of course but I can tell she is seething. I have told Haru that she needn't come with me but she says that when The Lady Silent Thunder makes a suggestion, it is not a suggestion. Oh dear. I have apologised until I am blue in the face and told her that it will not be like the last time we were on the road together but Haru will not be mollified. Does she think Kaede has given her to me forever, I wonder? That is not my understanding of the situation; I have assumed that as soon as we reach Purple Lightning, the soldiers and Haru will return to Silent Thunder. Once they are rested, of course. 

I can understand Haru's reluctance to travel again and I have tried to reassure her that even were we to meet another wolf, we will have soldiers to take care of it. We will stay at every inn on the route to Purple Lightning and the only possible danger would be bandits who have strayed far too south for their own good. At least that is what I am telling Haru. The reality of course, is that even with a few soldiers, there are no guarantees about what happens on the open road so to speak... 

I wonder if Haru's reluctance has more to do with fear of her involvement in my network being discovered. Perhaps I will speak to Kaede and see if she will send someone else. It is not as if I need a maid anyway; unless I have to wear court silks, I can dress myself perfectly well and I hardly need someone to dress my hair.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 10. Postscript.

 The walk outside was quite delightful. The first snowflowers of the year have already bloomed, which Kaede tells me, is a sign of a mild winter. It did not feel mild to me, that much, I can record! There was a definite bite to the air even though the sky was blue and the sun pale but bright. Several other wintry flowers have bloomed and the gardens look fresh and enticing despite the cold. A few red-breasted birds flitted from branch to branch and one or two of them stopped to feed at the little stations the gardening staff set out for them. 

We took tea in Kaede's private tea-house before we returned to the House and there, with my hands wrapped around an exquisite glazed mug, I told Kaede what was on my mind. She did not seem overly surprised; I suppose she has known since I arrived that my plan was to leave. She said she understood although she has enjoyed my company and would like me to stay. She suggested I give it another sevenday so that the weather has a chance to improve. 

I am not certain a sevenday will really make that much difference and it is not as if I will be on the road at night, alone and sleeping under bushes again. I agreed though; it did not seem reasonable to insist on leaving straight away and at least now, I have a firm date on which I know I will be setting out. As I knew she would, Kaede mentioned taking a palanquin. I said I thought that was quite ridiculous when I am perfectly capable of riding a horse. She completely disapproved of that notion, of course but has generously compromised and agreed that I can take a horse so long as I also take a contingent of four soldiers and a maid. 

I tried to demur but was not having any of it. I was struck again, by her great generosity and grace. She owes me nothing but she gives me everything even knowing that I may never be in a position to repay her. Perhaps when I have found what I seek, I will return to Silent Thunder and settle here. Not in the House, but in a small holding; having something to do would suit me and I know I would not be exploited under Silent Thunder's Rule...

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 10.

 What a pleasant time we had last evening! The fool was indeed hilarious although I am not sure that I should record any of his jokes as they were simply far too bawdy. The Hall was warm with the glow of sake and laughter and I certainly had a wonderful time but I felt a certain degree of sadness as I looked around and watched everyone enjoying themselves. The air was thick with unrestrained joy; I could see families laughing together, taking pleasure in each other's company and I suddenly felt ... bereft... 

Even before Father started giving in to everything Mother desired, I cannot remember us all laughing like that as a family. I cannot remember a time when we all spent time together and revelled in it. I remember having to kneel on ceremony, The three of us lined up like little dolls; Taiji and I on either side of Aki, all of us dressed in our finery. Aki and I would have our hair scraped up into the tightest buns poked through with flowered pins and Taiji would have a top knot thick with lacquer because his hair was not long enough to cooperate. As soon as Mother considered me old enough, one of her cosmeticians would plaster my face with white paste and powder it so it stayed on my skin and she would paint my teeth black and my lips a scarlet - a perfect replica of Mother.  And there we would kneel with smiles so strained, I am surprised none of our faces broke. Gods forbid that we actually laughed out loud.

Still, that is behind me now and I am free to laugh as much as I wish. And laugh, I did! Hikari actually cried laughing and I am certain she was not the only one in the Hall in such a state. It must be wonderful to have such a talent for making people laugh. If I Ruled a House, I would have a fool perform as often as I could. Even though I always appreciate decent music, I would far rather have a good laugh.

When I experience evenings like that, it is hard to think about moving on. I know I must, but belonging, even for a little while, felt so nice. Kaede has suggested a walk later so I may mention it then. It would certainly be easier to broach the subject when we are outside without a thousand other ears listening in. 

There is no other news of note. I have not received any further correspondence from Aoki but I did not really expect to hear from him again so soon, especially now we must resort to human messengers again. My curiosity regarding other matters is not really sated but I have accepted that I may never find the answers to those questions and that moving on to Purple Lightning is where I must focus my efforts now without distractions.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 9.

 I really have to ask myself at this point, why I am still pretending that I want to learn swordplay. I said in my previous note that the sword weighed half as much as I do. I believe I was factually incorrect; it is in fact, at least as heavy as I am. Perhaps the fact that I am tired is not helping. This morning, I really struggled to lift it let alone move through the form with it. Suzuki merely grunted and told me to keep pushing. 

I do wonder whether he keeps this up merely because he is under orders or because he genuinely thinks that with enough practice, we can become competent. I have decided that I will certainly have a weapon made for me when I am settled. I should be able to defend myself. If weeks on the road have taught me anything, it is that I would have been a lot less scared at times if I had been armed effectively. The small knives I keep are wonderful at close quarters but one lesson I have from Suzuki is that they are only useful if one can get close enough to an enemy in order to use them. Ideally, one would not actually wish said attacker to be that close in the first place as I know from bitter experience.

Still, none of that changes the fact that for some reason, I cannot bring myself to tell Kaede that I do not want to get up at dawn and train with a sword any more. 

I have given more thought to what I should look for when I arrive at Purple Lightning and how I should go about it. Father told me I would find answers there but I cannot be sure of the reception I will get from Tsuyoshi and Ichiko? They may not even know what Father was talking about. If they do know, why would they have kept this secret for so many years only to reveal it now, simply because I asked..? Nothing much makes any sense when I give it serious thought. I wonder now, whether Father even meant the House. For all I know, he could have been talking about somewhere on their Lands. If that is the case, how on earth would I ever find it? 

I believe that the library is probably my best starting point but I am uncertain as to whether I should ask them on the off chance that they know where I should look or not to bother them with it in case they are not on my side.

So many ifs, buts and maybes... And although Kaede promised me when I arrived that I could travel to Purple Lightning under her banner, how will that work? Does she really intend to send me on my way with a contingent of soldiers? That just seems silly since I am more than capable of making my own way. Perhaps I could just ask her for a horse and a letter for Tsuyoshi and Ichiko asking for their aid. I could arrive without ceremony then and just get on with the task at hand with no fuss. 

There will be plenty of time to consider all of that I suppose. For now, I must get ready for dinner. Kaede has asked the fool who performed at the solstice to play for us this evening and since I laughed until my sides nearly split last time I watched him. I am looking forward to this.

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 7.

 The quietness of the New Year continues. I have taken tea with Kaede several times and have given her the gossip from Aoki. She pursed her lips in response and I do not know the significance of that reaction. Does she think I was making it up to placate her or does she believe it to be true and has some use for it...? I cannot say and while there was a time I would have been most interested in finding out, now, I only want to journey to Purple Lightning and do as Father suggested.

We have continued to train in the mornings and today, Suzuki actually let me have a sword. I must admit that it was far heavier than I could ever have imagined and I do not understand how battles are won with this as a weapon. When I questioned him as to a lighter option, I got a most disparaging look. He reminded us rather loudly while glaring in my direction, that battle does not wait for one to run around looking for a suitable blade. One must be ready to use whatever is at hand. I could not be bothered to point out that whatever was at hand would likely be something I was carrying, which would definitely not be a sword which weighs at least half as much as I do!

I was dying to ask him about the star shaped weapons as thin as parchment but rumoured to be sharp and deadly enough to take off a man's head. I chose instead, to hold my peace. Suzuki is not a man whose opinions are easily swayed and if he has decided it shall be a sword, then a sword it shall be. I made a somewhat decent fist of the form while holding it but it annoyed me to see Kaede and her cousins flinging their swords around as if they were fashioned from air. I had to remind myself that it does not matter. Soon, this fiction will be over and if I really want to, I can find someone to teach me to wield a weapon built for me when I have settled somewhere.

I have not yet broached the subject of leaving Silent Thunder. I feel guilty that I have abused Kaede's Hospitality, offered very little in return and am now moving on with very little thought for Kaede. Perhaps if I swear some sort of fealty to her, that in the future, if I am needed, I will lend her my aid or similar, she might be mollified. Would I? In her position? I do not know. Likely not, but Kaede is far more gracious than I have ever been. It is also true that she has known about my plan to go to Purple Lightning since I arrived. It is because of her that I am still here anyway.

Because of Kaede I am still here... 

Is this what I have been missing all along? That Kaede is in fact, behind all this herself? Surely not. But it is not without the realms of possibility. For all I know, Mother has somehow got Kaede onside and everything she has said and done since I came here is a lie. A cleverly constructed lie to draw me in to life at Silent Thunder so that I never leave and never find out whatever is at Purple Lightning... No. I am overthinking, as usual. Mother would never be satisfied with a permanent stay at Silent Thunder. If she were behind this, I would have been dragged back to Pale Twilight and confined to my room. If I were lucky and Mother did not decide that the oubliette were a better place for me.

Or would she..? Having me stay at Silent Thunder out of her way is certainly a far more devious way to get me out of her way... and if I were comfortable here, I would not give too much thought to resuming my station in life as a fly in Mother's ointment... It is certainly possible but is it probable? That, I do not know. 

Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 3.

The House has not been very active this past sevenday or two. Everyone is still tired from the festivities and not a great deal has been happening. I did, belatedly, find a note on my desk. I imagine one of the merchants brought it and somehow it found its way to my room but I do not know whether Haru brought it or if someone else did. It does not matter. 

Aoki's brisk, spiky hand told me little of use. He has not seen a bird for some weeks either, and he does not know why. Now that he knows they have disappeared, he says he will send notes to the members of my network he can reach to let them know and to tell them to send any correspondence to him. He also confirms that he too, is still being paid. 

It is not the news I really wanted but at least I have an answer of sorts. It will likely take weeks, if not months to discover what has actually happened to the birds but I think I can live with that. So long as Kaede makes good on her promise to help me reach Purple Lightning, I do not need my network for a while at least. Once I have decided where I will settle permanently, I can put some energy into either having more birds trained or create another way for my network to communicate.

The weather is not what I would call warm but the chill is certainly bearable so I am determined to leave Silent Thunder as soon as I can reasonably do so without offending Kaede. Aoki has given me some gossip from three of the other Houses which in the grand scheme of things, is inconsequential but it may be enough to placate Kaede's sudden thirst for intelligence. 

Suzuyo and her baby are doing well. There are rumours that Yuika has fled the House and disappeared into the mountains although these are unsubstantiated and probably nonsense. Perhaps the most interesting snippet is that Shigeru's former wife is to wed one of Taira Crying Orchid's minor cousins. Apparently it is a love match and there are rumours that they were carrying on an affair while she was married to Shigeru. Again, unsubstantiated but what poetic justice if it is true!

Year of the Boar, Fourteenth Month, Day 11.

 I have not written anything for several days because I have had nothing of note to report. Life at Silent Thunder has continued without incident and I have not discovered anything new. I managed to complete the form this morning which earned me a curt comment from Suzuki about shaping up to be half decent. He is also pleased with Haru. Kaede has finally abandoned her pretence and moves through the form with the same fluidity as her cousins. I am no closer to learning the truth of this strangeness and to add to it, more of the women of the House have joined the session this past morning or two. I did allow myself to smirk when I noticed how many of them now wear short hair. It is almost as if Kaede clings to her waist length tresses out of spite!

The main thing to record is that the Solstice celebrations were absolutely wonderful. It was the antithesis of the same festival at Pale Twilight.

When night fell, gongs rang about the House and everyone gathered in the main courtyard where tables stood laden to overflowing with platters of fruits and sweets. There were punch bowls and casks of ales and meads. On the other side of the courtyard, merchants had set out their wares on smaller tables and there was a huge space at the front of the courtyard where musicians sat on a raised stage. They plucked out bright, spirited tunes while a group of flamboyant acrobats performed death defying tricks to the amazement of everyone present. 

The entire House milled about excitedly in anticipation of the New Year, and the moon, a celestial treat in its fullness, spread its silver light over the festivities. It was joyous. The mood in the courtyard was exuberant and infectious. I felt light, unburdened and hopeful for the first time in as long as I can remember.

 It is quite unlike me but I had not realised that this year, the Solstice would be marked with a full moon. A rare lunar alignment occurring only once in several decades - its benevolent brightness was the most perfect backdrop to the ethereal glow of the skylanterns we sent up once the vibrant display of fireflowers had finished. 

Eventually, the kitchen staff brought out huge, steaming vats of the traditional winter soup I had so wanted to try. The fragrant steam treated all of us to its savoury goodness before it even reached the tables. It was every bit as delicious as I had anticipated. A contented murmuring fell over the courtyard as we all tucked in and the vats were scraped dry very quickly as people ate second and even third portions.

Four sticks or so into the New Year, everyone began to drift to various shrines about the House and some to the temple to offer their thanks and wishes to the gods. Just after dawn most had taken to their bedrooms, sated and in need of some sleep. 

I remained for a while after the last of Kaede's guests had gone. The warmth of the soup and the fur wrap I wore protected me from the chill in the air and I enjoyed the peaceful sensation I got from being alone with the moon. Eventually, I too, tired enough to want my bed and now, I feel somehow different.

 As if I have been able to leave the stress and discomfort of the past year behind me. I have decided there is no need to pursue any sort of truth regarding Sasanuma and Kaede and that I will leave them to whatever it is they are up to. As soon as I have received a reply from Aoki, I will leave Silent Thunder and resume my journey to discover Father's secrets at Purple Lightning.

                                                         

Year of the Boar, Fourteenth Month, Day 6.

 In a very strange turn of events, Hikari and Kiku arrived at the training ground to join in this morning's session. The pair of them had their hair pulled back tightly into the tiniest of tails which looked like the shaving brushes men use. They wore servants' clothing and light armour, looking nothing like the elegant, refined noble women I know them to be. They moved through the form as one; clearly it was not the first time they had done it and when I gaped, the only thing Suzuki had to say was that I should get back to practising because I needed it. Kaede continued her pretence at being useless at the form and Haru seemed to be genuinely trying her best to muddle through. I remain baffled. If Kaede wants her entire House trained in swordplay, what business is it of mine? I am not sure that I am even remotely interested in that but what I cannot understand is all the bizarre secrecy about it.  

I am determined to speak to Haru about this most frankly later on. I must know what in the Nine Kingdoms is going on. 

The House is a constant bustle of activity now that the Solstice is but a few days away. Merchants arrive practically every stick to try and sell us all this trinket or that; some hair pin or brooch one could not possibly celebrate the Solstice without... which reminds me, I must find a gift for Kaede and what... does one give a woman who has everything...?

Year of the Boar, Fourteenth Month, Day 5.

Suzuki has decided that we are to concentrate on one form for the time being. We will practise it until we get it right. If that takes a year, then it takes a year and we will not be learning anything else until we have perfected this form. It is a sensible idea but of course, I have no intention of being here in a year whether I have mastered any of this form, or not. I got a curt nod for my efforts at placing my feet this morning which I took as a sign that I have improved at least a little bit but clearly, it is not enough to warrant Sasanuma coming to train us himself. I may have to think of another plan to discover what he knows... 

I am undecided as to whether I should simply be frank with Kaede. I could still confide everything and ask her to do me the same courtesy. I am just not certain that it is a very good idea. I do not want to lose a friend. Since Kaede finished the sky lanterns yesterday, this afternoon, we began work on some small decorations to be hung around the House. Dried oranges and twists of red and white paper are strung together with the star shaped fruit of some sort of spice plant to make garlands. Kaede does not have to do any of these things herself, of course but she says her mother and her grandmother used to do it and she wishes to continue the tradition. I suppose it is not so different to Mother creating tapestries for the House and it is a lot more pleasant to make garlands from fruit...

When we had created a huge pile of the garlands, I was more than ready for a nap but I decided, instead, to go to the bath house. It was empty which was marvellous and I spent almost two sticks luxuriating in the silky, scented water. Kaede's bath is over twice the size of Yuika's which is more than big enough to actually swim in it if one is so inclined. Since I did not have to worry about disturbing other bathers, I took the opportunity to swim and then float for a while before I simply sat and rested in its warmth. Once I had finished and dressed, I went to the Banquet Hall to find the evening meal was already in full swing with a comedic bard reciting decidedly naughty rhymes which had the Hall in fits of laughter. It was thoroughly enjoyable. 

How I shall get up for training before dawn tomorrow, I do not know. It is not an enticing prospect but it is a means to an end so I suppose I must...

Year of the Boar, Fourteenth Month, Day 4.

Kaede asked for my help with writing some invitations to the Solstice celebrations. Apparently, it is traditional for the Ruler to invite representatives from the Lands to the celebrations. Every year, people who have contributed notably to the Lands are brought to the celebrations as a thank you for their hard work and Kaede writes those invitations personally. I do not believe that she needed my help at all; rather it was an excuse for a conversation. We talked of nothing particularly consequential but Kaede took pains to enquire after my health and to ask whether the morning training was very sensible of me. She had not realised how strenuous it would be when she convinced Sasanuma to agree to it, she said.

I have no intention of letting Kaede know how exhausted I am so I told her that it was actually doing me good. I mentioned that I felt I had been getting soft from so much lying around and that regaining my physical fitness was important to me. She raised an eyebrow but appeared to accept what I said before confessing that she was not enjoying the sessions at all. That, was my cue and I was not about to miss my opportunity to ask her why she had chosen to join me. Her answer was not all that revealing; she merely said that she thinks women should be capable of defending themselves. She is not wrong about that but it did not ring true and when I challenged her on it, pointing out that she is perfectly capable with a bow, she was vague in her response. 

I decided to leave the subject alone. I know when I am pushing my luck. We finished the invitations quite quickly and then went on to decorate some of the sky lanterns everyone will release. Each one has a word for something one might wish for on it... joy... good fortune... love... friendship... children... peace... that sort of thing. Kaede likes to do the ones for her closest family and friends personally. Mine looked dreadful and after I had done two, Kaede suggested I just keep her company while she finished them. I did not protest. Nor did I point out that although her hand is more than competent, compared to Yuika's lyrical, flowing hand, Kaede's writing looks like a spider did it...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 29.

 I know Suzuki is doing it on purpose so we all give up and stay in our beds where he thinks we all belong but I cannot deny that I do want to give up. Three days is all it took. Three. Days. My body no longer wants to do as it is told. My joints ache far more from this gruelling exercise than they ever did when I walked for miles and miles across the Kingdom. I suppose I do not have the blisters I had then but that is about the only thing making this any better than my travels on foot.

Suzuki is positively evil to us. He scorns our efforts and actually dared to call Kaede a 'puny little girl'. Yuika would have had him thrown to the wolves for that but Kaede merely grimaced and tried again. I gaped at her, wondering when she would tell him off for the disrespect but she said nothing. I managed to place my feet correctly once this morning which earned me a sniff from Suzuki which I supposed was his way of saying well done. Haru is doing the best of the three of us and seems to understand where her hands are supposed to go quite well; she got a nod out of Suzuki which seemed like high praise indeed.

I spent a long while soaking in the bath after our session today; thank the gods that Kaede allows me to use her personal bath house so I could relax my aching bones in peace. Kaede and I had a brief conversation while we bathed. She is preoccupied with the Solstice preparations so she says but I wonder if there is something else bothering her. I suppose that I do not know her well enough to understand whether she means what she says or whether I should interpret it in some other way. Time will tell, I expect. She did ask about the intel and I had to admit that I had not found out anything useful. I told her that I would keep trying but I could say nothing further without letting her in on my own secrets and that... I do not want to do.

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 28.

 I believe I may have spoken too soon when yesterday I wrote that training at dawn would not make me give up. This morning was actually worse than yesterday. Already aching from head to foot, it was so difficult to drag myself from the warmth of my covers and face the harsh coldness of the training ground. 

Sasanuma's man drove us hard and when Haru had the temerity to say he was being spiteful, he pointed out that the realities of battle are grim and that she would not have time for a cup of tea if the House ever came under attack. He makes a good point. I do not know why Kaede has chosen to take part in this little escapade of mine, let alone bring Haru. She did not show much enthusiasm for the idea when we discussed my note to Sasanuma; I wonder if she is here to keep an eye on me... I would not put it past her. She has always been shrewd. I recall that she certainly used to be an absolute menace with a bow and arrow so perhaps she simply intends to add swords to her arsenal.

I still have not managed to recreate a single move to Suzuki's satisfaction and he is similarly unimpressed with Kaede and Haru. I am certain that he does not want to be out on the training ground at dawn any more than I do but I will not give up until I absolutely have to.

Aside from the swordplay lessons, the preparations for the Solstice continue. I am actually excited. Silent Thunder is known for a comforting winter soup which has glutinous rice balls and several varieties of mushroom in it. It is a rare treat, eaten only on the most special of occasions and at the winter Solstice due to the lengthy and difficult processes used to prepare the ingredients. I have never tried it but at the hour of the Solstice, there will be a plentiful supply and the House will gather to eat it and several other delicacies together while we watch the display of fire flowers. 

According to Haru, there will be music and dancing and a good deal of carousing. Once the fire flower display is over, we will light lanterns and send them to the skies with our wishes for the coming year. They float for sticks on end sometimes making it to the other end of the Kingdom; I remember finding several in our fields when I was little. Quite why this is a tradition, I have no idea. It is not as if the gods snatch them out of the skies and give us everything we desire but it is nice and they look beautiful. It will be wonderful to launch one myself; to take part in something... big... If only there were a way to track it and find out where it ends up. Perhaps I could put a note in mine asking whomever should find it to please send me a note back telling me where it was. 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 27.

 I suppose I should not be in the slightest bit surprised that my entire body hurts. There is not an inch of me that does not ache. It is amazing how just a few weeks of not exercising has turned me soft. I arrived at the training field at dawn to find one of Sasanuma's deputies waiting for me. I could see from the look on his face that he had not believed I would go. He was even more surprised when Kaede arrived with Haru in tow. Both of them dressed for battle. How either of them thought they were going to be able to move in the heavy, creaking leather armour they sported, I have no idea. I almost laughed but thought better of it when I saw the thunderous look on Haru's face.

I wore a simple servant's outfit; loose enough to move in but not so baggy that it would hinder me. It felt good to be outside and do something active. Once we had been taken through some exercises to warm our muscles, Sasanuma's man informed us that we would be starting with some 'form'. It only took four of the movements we were taught before Kaede decided that she and Haru would dispense with the armour. I was only surprised it had taken that long. Apparently, these 'forms' will help to teach us how to move with a sword and we will not be allowed to even touch a sword before we have learned them properly.

That is fine with me; it seems perfectly sensible but I had no idea how hard it was going to be. For two entire sticks, we tried our hardest to get into the correct positions and none of us even managed to do one of the forms properly. We tried three forms, each one made up of several movements and each one harder than the next. I could see how annoyed Sasanuma's man was becoming and if I had not already been aching from head to foot, I would have found his efforts not to show Kaede his frustrations rather comical.

I am a little disappointed that Sasanuma has decided not to teach us himself but I suppose he has better things to do than teach novices how the basics of swordplay. Perhaps in time, if I can improve enough to warrant some more advanced teaching, Sasanuma will deliver it. In the meantime, I am quite glad to have something to do. We will be back on the training ground at dawn tomorrow. I imagine that Sasanuma believes we will tire of that rather quickly but he does not know me...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 26. Postscript.

Surprisingly, Sasanuma has already responded to my note. Kaede mentioned it when we took tea, of course, and I told her that I had been reflecting on my travels and how afraid I had been at certain times when I did not know how to defend myself. She nodded sagely and agreed that we women should all know how to defend ourselves against unwanted attention but was a sword the way to go about that?

I could not help but agree that swords are certainly heavy and suggested that I would take any advice Sasanuma had regarding the best type of weapon to learn. If he wanted to teach me the secrets of the elite military sects, I should be delighted. The little blades shaped like stars they used had always thrilled me as a child, as had their abilities to seemingly climb walls with only their hands and feet. Oh... if I could learn that, it would be so exciting. Of course, if Sasanuma knows those secrets, he is even more dangerous than I had imagined. 

Those military sects are legendary for their seclusion and their stealth. If a House wished to use their services, they would have to send a message into the mountains and the sects may or may not send a representative to the House to find out what they needed. In these times of relative peace, it is difficult to imagine any House would use the services of such sects and it is the opinion of most that their ways have all but died out. I do not believe it though. I think their villages in the remotest mountains are alive and well. If Sasanuma has contacts within their groups, he is not someone I would want as an enemy,

Kaede did not confirm or deny Sasanuma's knowledge or otherwise, of course. She merely smiled thoughtfully and murmured that she would speak to him. I did not expect a decision today so when the note telling me to arrive at the hour of the bat for training first thing in the morning, I wondered why Sasanuma had agreed so quickly. 

I am not delighted at the idea of having to be awake before the sun but if it gets me any closer to discovering what Sasanuma knows, then so be it. I have had Haru find me something suitable to wear; she finds this appalling and has made several pointed remarks about fighting being for men. I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she has any sense at all, she will join me for training... 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 26.

 Re-reading Horri Tsuyoshi yesterday got me thinking. I have decided that the easiest way to find out what Sasanuma knows, or, more to the point, how he knows what he knows, is to get close to him. To that end, I have sent him a note requesting that he teach me sword skills. 

It is what I wanted when I was growing up and Father indulged me until Mother put a stop to my lessons. I have forgotten much of what I learned and it has been such a long time since I held a sword, it will be very useful to re-learn what I do not remember and ideally, learn something which will help me. Regardless of what happens when I reach Purple Lightning or what I decide to do when I leave, being able to use a weapon properly will certainly be advantageous. I have not received a reply from him yet but I am taking tea with Kaede later this afternoon and I am certain she will have something to say about it.

I, of course, have nothing to tell her regarding the intel she asked for and I am uncertain about how I should approach that fact. I suppose I could just tell her I am still looking into it or... I could tell her that I have made some enquiries through my sources and see how she reacts to that. Oddly, I find my appetite for subterfuge has waned and I feel unwilling to put nearly as much effort into it as I did even a short while ago. That is probably only because the current situation is causing me stress and perhaps once I have resolved the issue with the birds, I will feel more inclined to dabble once more. 

Until then, I will reluctantly continue my investigation into what Sasanuma knows and get the information Kaede wants and then I will see how I feel...

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 25.

I have spent some more time in the library which has been a welcome relief from worrying about when or even if I will receive a reply from Aoki. Haru says I can expect it to be at least two weeks if the merchant in question travels directly to Shimmering Dawn and then straight back with Aoki's response. I feel unreasonably perturbed by this and am taking great pains not to think about it at all. Of course, that is having the opposite effect than the one I desired. There was nothing for it but to take refuge in some scrolls; it was that or help Kaede choose Solstice decorations for the Banquet Hall and I thought avoiding her for a while would be the better option.

Perhaps I should have gone to help her; we might have talked and I might have discovered something to my advantage such as what she really does know about my network. I did speak to Haru again and she swore blind that she was not the source of Sasanuma's information but she also does not think he took my papers. Since she was in my room with me almost all of the time I was unwell, she does not think it possible that he came in and found them. She could not be certain about whether he could have taken them shortly after I arrived at Silent Thunder but she thinks it unlikely. She was quite distressed at the thought that Kaede might know about her involvement in my network and begged me to say nothing of it. I reassured her, of course. It is hardly in my interests to tell anyone the details of my network but it led me to wonder again whether Haru could be persuaded to stay within my employ.

I decided I would tread carefully rather than ask her again outright and risk sending her into a frenzy over it so I simply asked her whether she was still being paid. It seems that the chain of brokers I had set up is still functioning and every other month, a pouch arrives for her. So... the brokers and the merchants are still doing their jobs which means that no one has discovered the supremely expensive bolts of silk I have diverted from the House supplies, or the merchant who takes them and sells them in order to pay my people. That is extremely reassuring. 

I left the conversation there. Perhaps I will return to it once I have more information and see if Haru will change her mind...

I found nothing of major importance in terms of my quest in the library but I did find a copy of the works of Horii Tsuyoshi so I spent several very pleasant sticks reminding myself about the various military strategies employed by Golden Harvest's finest martial minds in several generations. What a shame he died long before I was born; I would loved to have learned from him in person. Then again, I suppose Mother would never have allowed it even had he agreed to teach me. Just as well he wrote extensively...