Year of the Crow, First Month, Day 10.

 What a pleasant time we had last evening! The fool was indeed hilarious although I am not sure that I should record any of his jokes as they were simply far too bawdy. The Hall was warm with the glow of sake and laughter and I certainly had a wonderful time but I felt a certain degree of sadness as I looked around and watched everyone enjoying themselves. The air was thick with unrestrained joy; I could see families laughing together, taking pleasure in each other's company and I suddenly felt ... bereft... 

Even before Father started giving in to everything Mother desired, I cannot remember us all laughing like that as a family. I cannot remember a time when we all spent time together and revelled in it. I remember having to kneel on ceremony, The three of us lined up like little dolls; Taiji and I on either side of Aki, all of us dressed in our finery. Aki and I would have our hair scraped up into the tightest buns poked through with flowered pins and Taiji would have a top knot thick with lacquer because his hair was not long enough to cooperate. As soon as Mother considered me old enough, one of her cosmeticians would plaster my face with white paste and powder it so it stayed on my skin and she would paint my teeth black and my lips a scarlet - a perfect replica of Mother.  And there we would kneel with smiles so strained, I am surprised none of our faces broke. Gods forbid that we actually laughed out loud.

Still, that is behind me now and I am free to laugh as much as I wish. And laugh, I did! Hikari actually cried laughing and I am certain she was not the only one in the Hall in such a state. It must be wonderful to have such a talent for making people laugh. If I Ruled a House, I would have a fool perform as often as I could. Even though I always appreciate decent music, I would far rather have a good laugh.

When I experience evenings like that, it is hard to think about moving on. I know I must, but belonging, even for a little while, felt so nice. Kaede has suggested a walk later so I may mention it then. It would certainly be easier to broach the subject when we are outside without a thousand other ears listening in. 

There is no other news of note. I have not received any further correspondence from Aoki but I did not really expect to hear from him again so soon, especially now we must resort to human messengers again. My curiosity regarding other matters is not really sated but I have accepted that I may never find the answers to those questions and that moving on to Purple Lightning is where I must focus my efforts now without distractions.