Year of the Boar, Sixth Month, Day 4.

Though I still cannot walk, I am determined to leave Pale Twilight within the next few days; my position here grows ever more tenuous. Mother seems determined to afford me no rights at all as the sister of the heir to the House, none even as a Lady of the Court. It is as if she has forgotten that I am a grown woman and seeks only to put a recalcitrant child in her place. Or so I thought until this afternoon. Since I am still bedridden, I am excused from tapestry so I have seen neither hide nor hair of my sister or indeed, my brother since I faked my "episode", and I was extremely surprised when first Taiji visited me and then Aki. I knew something was bothering Taiji, after all, we are twins, and much as I dislike him, I know how he thinks. He refused to confide in me though, and we talked of inconsequential gossip until he decided it was time to leave. While we conversed, his eyes constantly flitted about my room, and Taiji could not seem to concentrate on anything much, I did ask him what bothered him, but he insisted it was nothing.
I was lying in my bed thinking on our conversation, considering everything he had said and everywhere his eyes had looked. Wondering whether Mother had sent him to spy, and if she had, had he seen anything that had given her ammunition. What could he have seen...? Although I was still bothered by the scene, I was doing a fairly good job of convincing myself that he could not possibly have seen anything that would damage me; after all, these papers and my brushes and ink are hidden beneath the floor and I never get them out unless I am absolutely certain that there is no one hovering near-by, but who knows what Mother asked him to look for. As I was thinking on this, Aki came into my rooms, barely waiting for me to answer her knock before she came rushing over to sit on the edge of my bed. We exchanged the usual pleasantries expected of us by propriety and then suddenly, my little sister began to cry. Not only did she cry but she threw herself into my arms as if she were a little child in need of her mother. I did my best attempt to keep the grimace from my face and when she had finally stopped wailing, I asked what troubled her.
The news was dreadful. Father lies upon his deathbed. When Aki had quieted, I asked her as many questions as I could without making her suspicious or upsetting her further. From what I can gather, though it is not much, Father has been ailing for several weeks, growing fatigued and weaker, seemingly unable to focus on the daily administration of the Castle. Leaving it increasingly, to Mother. It pains me that I did not notice this, how could I not have seen this...? Father growing distant and not confiding in me, refusing more and more often to let me have my way, more frequently deferring to Mother... It was not because he was angry with me, it was not because he had come to favour Taiji; it was because he was ill. Could I have done something if I had seen it sooner...? I will never know. As soon as Aki was in a sufficiently calm state, I sent her from my rooms, assuring her that she could return whenever she wished, and asked her to send some servants to me. When the servants arrived, I had them help me out of my bed and to Father's rooms; I waited outside while his personal guard went in to ready him for a visitor and when I went in to see him, I could not keep the shock from my face. In the time since I was excused from attending dinner with the family in the Banquet hall, Father has grown gaunt, nay, emaciated. He has so little strength that he could barely lift his hand to take mine. Worse yet, he did not seem to know who I was, he called me by my Mother's name twice and by Aki's. I could hear the servants muttering and shifting about in impatience and as I did not wish to tire him, I promised I would be back again on the morrow to sit with him, that I would read to him from his favourite books if he wished. He seemed pleased by the idea. As I learned to kiss his cheek however, I received a huge shock as he whispered to me, his voice stronger than it had been throughout our interview "I love you, my child" he said. He paused for a fraction of a second and then he said "The answers you seek lie in the libraries of Purple Lightning" My confusion must have been evident for when I looked into his eyes, he said again "I love you." and I saw then, that there could be nothing wrong with Father's mind, for his eyes seemed as bright as they had always been. I looked about me to see that none of the servants were watching and nodded as slightly as I could and at that he seemed to relax into his pillow, almost as if.... as if his work were done. It was clear that our interview was at an end...
As I was limping back down the corridors to my room, held firmly between two servants, yelping each time I had to put weight on my ankle, Mother caught me. Her face was thunderous as she demanded to know what I thought I was doing outside of my rooms. I did my best to remain as calm as possible as I responded by asking her when she had been planning to tell me that my Father was dying. But my blood felt chill as Mother dismissed the servants, and after she was sure they had gone she actually smiled faintly and asked why I thought I needed to know. Before I could answer her she continued; one more infraction she said, and I would be wishing that I had never been born, at least within Pale Twilight's borders. I glanced about me, hoping beyond hope that someone was about, that there had been someone to hear, but of course, there was no one. Mother told me that I could get myself back to my rooms and then I could stay there; all of the servants had been instructed to obey her orders solely, on pain of severe punishments and if I were lucky, she said, I would be fed in my rooms. After that, she gathered up her silks and swept off. I tried to walk back but I could not, and humiliated, after a few steps, I was forced to crawl.
I have been thinking over my meeting with Father all evening, I cannot understand what is happening, how is it that Aki seems to think Father is losing his mind, how is that I thought the same when he clearly, is not? But then again, if he is not losing his mind, what is this business about Purple Lightning...? Was Father telling me to run? And to where? Or is it possible on the other hand that this is all some kind of sick trap, that someone wishes me gone or worse... ? And if so, by running, am I playing right into their hands...? But who...?
I also cannot understand why my own Mother despises me so much, but I do not think I care to stay here and find out. There are just too many questions in need of answers... My head hurts just trying to contain them all in some sort of order. I think though, that regardless of the dangers outside the House, the peril within the walls is much greater and so, I come back to my first instinct, I must run. And soon. My only concern now, despite the fact that I do not much like her either, is Aki. Can I, in all conscience leave my little sister alone..? Perhaps it is I, that is not rational, I do not know. But again, I do not think I care to find out. It is a risk though, should I confide in Aki, she may tell Mother... yet if I do not.... she may find herself meeting my fate...