Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 6.

I feel a good deal better today and Haru has agreed that some fresh air will do me good so I have been sitting on the veranda for a few sticks. The trees are almost bare now and the gardeners wrap themselves in fur when they go out to clear the fallen leaves each morning. It seems to me that clearing leaves is a fairly pointless task since as soon as they are removed from the lawns, there are more to take their place. Far better to wait until the final leaf has dropped and then clear them all in my opinion but Haru tells me that is not how things are done...

I managed to eat some hearty stew which improved my mood as well as my physical well-being. It made a very pleasant change to the constant diet of soups and tea Haru has been forcing me to consume although I suppose it is thanks to those very soups that I am well enough to have enjoyed the stew. Haru has been exceptional since I took those herbs. I do not know what would have become of me had she not been here. 

Kaede has been to see me again. Our conversation was easier than I had imagined it would be. She raised an eyebrow at the scrolls which littered my bed and the floor and I thought to ask her if she had any ideas about what I might look for. She suggested I look for connections between Pale Twilight and Purple Lightning. Why would the answers be there, specifically? I had not considered that. Kaede pointed out that Father could have suggested anywhere in the Kingdom if his purpose had merely been to send me out of the House. 

So then, what is the significance of Purple Lightning...? I am sure I would remember any significant connection between the two Houses from my studies but I recall nothing. Father's line is exclusively of Pale Twilight as far back as Great Grandfather's Great Grandfather. Mother hailed from Laughing Spider and I am certain my maternal grandparents were also of Laughing Spider. Further back than that, I do not remember. Kaede is not convinced that I will find an answer within these scrolls but she suggested I consult with her Clerk of Chronicles. 

I have never heard of such a thing but apparently, Silent Thunder has a monk of sorts whose vocation is to curate the House records. Given how much time I have spent in the libraries of the various Houses, it is odd that I did not know about this clerk but I will indeed consult with him and see what he knows.

I tire. Haru will be in shortly with some food and I have much to think on.

 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 4. Postscript.

 I had a sudden moment of clarity when I began this entry earlier; I could not believe that Father thought Mother wished to harm me. 

Quite suddenly, I recalled what Kaede said about The Lady Silent Thunder trying to stop Mother from beating me at a round of Talks. I realised that Mother not only wished to harm me, she did harm me.  Thinking this over brought up memories of deeply unpleasant things long buried, and I felt violently sick. The nausea overwhelmed me and I vomited several times before Haru brought me some tea to settle my stomach.

All my life, I have endured being berrated and beaten by Mother yet Taiji and Aki have done awful things without even the gentlest of admonishments. Worse still, Mother subjected me to punishments for their crimes. And I did not even see it. It has been right in front of my face since I was born but all I saw was Mother despising everything I did because I was not a 'proper Lady'... 

So there is my second question. Why does Mother hate me so much that she wants to hurt me? I am struck by the thought that she may actually have wanted me dead which leaves me with a third question: why did Father allow it?

 

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 4.

 I feel a little better today so I have been able to sit on the veranda and enjoy some fresh air. The novel Haru was reading to me did not improve and so she agreed to fetch some of the records from the library. She has not returned yet and I do not know what I expect to find when she does. All I have to help me is Father's assertion that the answers I seek are at Purple Lightning. I have had a lot of time to think in the days of my... illness... and I realised that until he told me that, I did not even know there were answers to seek.

How can I find answers when I do not even know the question...? Unless I can solve Father's riddle, I will not find anything anywhere, let alone at Purple Lightning. 

Was Father speaking in code? Does the phrase "answers I seek" have some significance? Did he think I had already discovered some sort of truth and merely sought confirmation? I have no idea... For all I know, he could have been delirious although I do not believe that. I believe he knew exactly what he was saying but why not just tell me what he wanted me to know? Unless... unless sending me to Purple Lightning was his way of making me leave the House because he was afraid for me...

But why would Father be afraid for me, why? I suppose there I have my first significant question. Could Father really have thought that Mother would harm me?

Year of the Boar, Thirteenth Month, Day 2.

It would appear that I am not as robust as I liked to imagine. Speaking with Kaede and then writing my last entry exhausted me again. Kaede has not been to visit since then; she sent apologies for her absence with a stunning floral arrangement. I did not mind. Despite her kindness, I do not feel ready to face her again. The flowers are much prettier to look at than the walls and Haru has been generous enough to read to me so that I do not go entirely mad with nothing to occupy my mind while I recover.

We began with some poetry but try as I might, I cannot take to it. Haru thinks I do not appreciate the nuanced work of the Kingdom's finest and she is probably right. What use have I for nuance? Things are, or they are not. When I had failed to sufficiently appreciate an ode to the grasshopper, Haru decided we would try a novel instead. It is better although I have to say the plot about some ancient guild of spies does not seem very realistic at all... but I am fortunate Kaede insists her Ladies' maids are educated in music and literature. If they were not, I would have only the flowers for entertainment... Perhaps tomorrow, I will ask Haru to fetch some scrolls from the library and see if we can discover anything in Silent Thunder's records which might allude to what I may find at Purple Lightning.

The sun has been pale and weak today but at least it was able to break through the cloud cover for a while. I do not miss much about Pale Twilight but I do, most assuredly, miss the warmth.

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 31.

 The effort of writing my last entry left me feeling extremely weak. Haru chastised me most sternly for doing anything other than staring at my walls. I wanted to argue with her, to tell her that I needed something to quiet my mind but I found that I did not have the energy. Instead, I ate the "strengthening" broth she brought and drank the medicinal tea she insists I consume in excessive quantities, and did nothing else until Kaede arrived earlier this morning.

There was no refusing her company. Kaede had decided that it was time we talked and dismissed Haru with the merest flick of her fan. I felt nauseous and I did not know where to begin. I blinked slowly, hoping that, in the brief moments my eyes were closed, Kaede would somehow disappear. She did not. Graciously she saved me from the ignominy of an apology and told me that I was idiotic. That... was not quite what I had been expecting. 

She continued by telling me that if I had only come to her, she could have brought someone competent. She would never have let a crone (her word, not mine) from the outlying villages anywhere near me. There was considerably more to her rant about my stupidity but I will save myself from the embarrassment of writing it here. She understood, she said. I was not to confuse her situation with mine; her grief would not worsen or lessen because I did not want a child. 

And that wisdom is why everyone she rules, loves her. And why it is probably by the design of the gods that I will never rule anything.

I expressed my desire to get to Purple Lightning as soon as I could but Kaede thinks that I should remain for the Winter Solstice celebrations after which the weather will become slightly warmer. I am so grateful to her for everything she has done and said when I do not deserve her grace or favour, but the winter solstice is 2 moons away. If I remain at Silent Thunder until then, Father could be dead long before I arrive at Purple Lighting but I suppose that if I go in my current state, then so could I...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 28.

I had no desire to write more in these pages but since rising from my bed for even a short time results in immense fatigue, I thought that at least these pages would keep my mind occupied. Earlier today, I spent a while reading through what I have recorded, and I see that much of what I have noted is chaotic and not at all objective. Perhaps when I feel stronger, I will address that and present my observations in a manner more suited to the historical archive I had intended these pages to be.

Reading about what I have experienced since I left home has given me a lot to think on. I feel ashamed for not thinking of Father more often. I cannot imagine that Mother and Taiji would be able to hide his death from the Kingdom and so I take comfort in believing him to be alive, if not well. I am resolved to go to Purple Lightning as soon as I am able. If what I discover there can, in any way, assist me in saving Father from the vice-like grip Mother has on him, then I must take the greatest of pains to ensure I get there and have the House reveal its secrets.

Winter has set in and while the Middle Kingdom does not experience the immense snow drifts of the North, it is much chillier than it is in the South at this time of year. There is a definite frost in the mornings and one cannot go outside without a fur wrap. Haru tells me that it will get a little colder yet but it rarely snows. I am glad of this; it would make travel very difficult. 

I have not seen the physician since our last encounter but Haru says that I look somewhat better than I did when she discovered me lying waxy and unnaturally pale in a pool of my own blood. She says she thought I had been murdered when she first came upon me and believed me to be quite dead. Unfortunately, her screams brought my plight to Kaede's attention so now she knows what I did; it was Kaede who sent the midwife away and insisted the physician do his utmost to save my life. I did not want her to find out. Even I am not so devoid of feelings that I would want a woman who grieves the loss of her child so deeply to know that I did not want the child growing inside me at all. 

I have refused to see her.  I know that I am behaving abominably. I know that I must see her. She has done everything for me but I feel so deeply ashamed. I cannot face her. I cannot look into her eyes for fear of what I will see in them. Pity, no doubt, which I do not deserve...