Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 31.

 The effort of writing my last entry left me feeling extremely weak. Haru chastised me most sternly for doing anything other than staring at my walls. I wanted to argue with her, to tell her that I needed something to quiet my mind but I found that I did not have the energy. Instead, I ate the "strengthening" broth she brought and drank the medicinal tea she insists I consume in excessive quantities, and did nothing else until Kaede arrived earlier this morning.

There was no refusing her company. Kaede had decided that it was time we talked and dismissed Haru with the merest flick of her fan. I felt nauseous and I did not know where to begin. I blinked slowly, hoping that, in the brief moments my eyes were closed, Kaede would somehow disappear. She did not. Graciously she saved me from the ignominy of an apology and told me that I was idiotic. That... was not quite what I had been expecting. 

She continued by telling me that if I had only come to her, she could have brought someone competent. She would never have let a crone (her word, not mine) from the outlying villages anywhere near me. There was considerably more to her rant about my stupidity but I will save myself from the embarrassment of writing it here. She understood, she said. I was not to confuse her situation with mine; her grief would not worsen or lessen because I did not want a child. 

And that wisdom is why everyone she rules, loves her. And why it is probably by the design of the gods that I will never rule anything.

I expressed my desire to get to Purple Lightning as soon as I could but Kaede thinks that I should remain for the Winter Solstice celebrations after which the weather will become slightly warmer. I am so grateful to her for everything she has done and said when I do not deserve her grace or favour, but the winter solstice is 2 moons away. If I remain at Silent Thunder until then, Father could be dead long before I arrive at Purple Lighting but I suppose that if I go in my current state, then so could I...